Friday, March 14, 2008

Momzilla Behind the Wheel

Momzilla, Magilla, the mother-in-law still drives. She has had cataracts removed recently which SHOULD, in theory, have alleviated some of the seeing issues that have made that pesky chore of driving at night NEXT TO IMPOSSIBLE! Ugh...How do you stop someone who is super stubborn and bossy from driving? That, my friends, is the question.

One day, I was driving with the soon-to-be-ex-husband and we came up to an interesection. Across the way was Momzilla, edging out into the intersection, looking ticked off that the cars speeding by didn't part like the Red Sea for her. We watched as she inched forward more and more until she was hanging out in the interesection. It was frightening. It was devestating when we realized our daughter was in that car with her. I would argue with her, but honestly folks, that requires some degree of fortitude I just don't have in me right now.

Elena has only twice gotten car sick. Both times in her car. You know why? She has a lever-foot acceleration problem. Have you ever driven with someone who you figure must have a hinge in the middle of their foot because they push down on the accelerator, only to back off again, push down again, off again. It makes for a ride far more like a boat on rough seas than a Jeep riding down a smoothly paved highway. It makes me instantly sick.

And yet, this woman is the world's best projector of EVERY driving issue. It is not HER fault, it's that idiot or this moron who has no idea how to drive. It's that car up there going so fast, weaving in and out that made it hard for her to merge onto the highway (not, of course, the fact that she freaks out merging onto said highway and backs off the accelerator). She's highly critical of anyone else's driving. Suffice to say, I cannot drive her anywhere without her gripping the dashboard, drama-style, a panicked, incredulous face turned towards me, "You ALMOST didn't make that turn!" Anytime I coming up to their house, it is a game for me to figure out when to call to make it appear as if I drove the speed limit or under the whole ride, or I will get an earful. "You must have drove like a bat out of hell to get here!" "My goodness!!! How fast did you go? You're going to get a ticket."

To all that I reply, people in glass know the rest.


nancy said...

Okay, is my own mother leading a double life as your mother? Honestly, mine drives exactly the same way. She sees a yellow light as "step on it", not "caution". She not only "squeezes the lemon" (as we call it on Cape Cod) but she smashes the crap out of it! LOL

I've gotten to the point where I do not drive with her, Bella has never driven with her and having yet another reason to be thankful she lives in PA!

Amelia's moms said...

Does Elena try to boss her into driving better? Amelia has thankfully decreased her backseat driving a bit, but she does like to make her point of view known. "Mama, you obviously don't care about driving good because when you went around that corner my book flew on the floor!"