Thursday, March 29, 2007

Liam...The Second Born

A couple of comments have centered around the fact that I am neglecting my second born. Isn't that one of the earmarks of that particular birth order ranking? So, I planned on logging in to merely post pictures of little Liam. He is, after all, beautiful and perfect in every way...Can you tell I'm his mother? But, it led me to finding out more about second borns. Here are some facts, googled about second children. Enjoy if you are one, or even if you know one! Write in and validate or invalidate the claims...I'd be curious to know.

The second born is the true perfectionist. This person attends to details, strives for perfection and reads the fine print. "Good enough" is never good enough.

The second born competes with the first born for parental attention. When the second born discovers how to put crayons to paper the first born displays a completed picture to mother. The second born senses the inadequacy of what she (or he) has created. The second born decides that to get love she must do something perfectly.

Second borns may not like compliments. Compliments may bring up memories of mother trying to praise the second born's efforts when the first born obviously did better. It felt condescending then and compliments may feel condescending now. Second borns tend to like suggestions for improvement more.

Second borns tend to assume that everyone is like they are so they do not give compliments. Instead, when you expect a compliment the second offers a suggestion for improvement. The second born is not being mean but simply helping you on the way to perfection.


The second born loses attention as the first born aggressively takes it away, leaving the second child to feel as if he or she cannot do anything well enough to merit attention.

Characteristic Bad Feeling: Inadequacy
Strategies for survival: Perfectionism, Logic
Felt Loss: Emotions
Sense of Justice: Necessity
Thought Pattern: Evaluation
T-shirt: "That won't work, it's not good enough."
Childhood Behavior: Deceptive, Critical
Emotional Expression: Controlled, Intense
Source of Anger: Criticism
Nature of Humor: Dry
Means of Relating: Correction
Spirituality: Self-discipline, Living by rules
Relational: Sensitive to others' anger, Peacemaker
The Child Within: Neglected
Type of Procrastination: Puts things off till they can be done perfectly
Blind spot: Others' emotions
Boundaries: Defined by rules
A walk in the woods: Watches ground around the feet, may go around in circles
Careers: Accounting, Banking, Art, Carpentry, Decorating, Receptionist, Secretary, Teaching, Writing Novels
Strengths: Self-discipline, Honesty, Determination
Parenting: Insists of obedience to the rules
Marriage: Puts spouse, family ahead of self
As Friend: Offers constructive criticism
Social Contributions: Art, financial institutions, completed projects
Expression of Love: Constructive criticism
Driving Style: Drives angrily because others do not follow the rules
Listening Style: Listens for mistakes
Common Phrase: "You need to..."
Responds To: "This may not be perfect, but...."

Keeping My Eye on the Prize...

Knowing this darn caruncle will look better after the redness goes down. Here is how it is looking today. Day One, 24 hours after surgery. Not really so bad, huh?

Day Three after Surgery:

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

What the Hell is a Caruncle?

Apparently, it is part of the eye (see the numbered part 5 in the diagram below)...

It also has another definition which I will go into a bit later.

I had a tumor (really looked more like a mole) on my tear duct or, more technically, on the lacrimal caruncle. It had been getting bigger, more fleshy and annoying. So, I went to the eye doctor and had it removed. When the triage nurse called me yesterday, she was reading through what the procedure would entail, and she came to this word, caruncle, and stumbled. Then today, when I was sitting there going through the intake process with the technician and getting apprised of the details of my surgery, I happened to notice the word "caruncle" on my chart. I made a menatl note and came home to google it.

ca·run·cle(k-rngkl, krng-)
1. Biology A fleshy naked outgrowth, such as a fowl's wattles.
2. Botany An outgrowth or appendage at or near the hilum of certain seeds, as of the castor-oil plant.

So, in all seriousness, if you could have seen my mole, you would have agreed, I had a caruncle on my lacrimal caruncle.

Aye Matey!!!

Monday, March 26, 2007

Baby for Sale...

In the last 24 hours, Liam has pulled a pile of serving dishes on top of himself and chipped a couple of them, pulled a lamp onto his head, eaten dog food, played in an outlet for a moment until I noticed, pushed an end table over, and whacked his head on about twenty different tables and slammed his fingers in numerous drawers...


Saturday, March 24, 2007

Things I Will Miss...Things I Will Not...

Tonight we watched The Holiday and it was a great film - a great sappy love story. It left me wanting love and romance in my life again. I DO NOT want anyone else at this point, but it made me think about the things I did love and appreciate in my marriage. As I think about these things I will miss, I am sobbing in mourning for them. Is that pathetic? Is it actually part of the whole process of moving on? I don't know, but I write them down here so that I will always remember the things I loved about being married to my husband.

Some things I will miss about my marriage:
1) Being told I'm beautiful, hot or just never gets old.
2) Family outings, even if they are just to Home Depot or the grocery story...
3) Movie nights, TV nights, Lost and 24 - they just won't be the same...
4) Sleeping with our toes touching.
5) Making plans for our house, kids, life, goals, dreams, together...
6) Having date nights.
7) Going out for coffee together.
8) Giving and receiving hugs.
9) Cooking family dinners and then sharing them.
10) Having my hair and face stroked as I lay on the couch at night watching some pointless tv show.
11) Looking into your eyes and knowing I am truly loved and feeling deep love back.
12) For awhile we haven't, but reading in bed together at night.
13) Hearing and saying "I love you" - but, I will always love you and I hope we can keep loving each other, even if our lives change.
14) Imagining what each of us will look like when we are eighty...imagining us walking hand-in-hand then as we did as newlyweds.
15) Being told it will be ok and believing it...
16) I even have to write this one down? S-E-X, especially with my husband...there really is nothing better.

Things I won't miss:
1) Arguing about who left the dishes in the sink, didn't take the trash out, made a mess and didn't clean it up...repeat...repeat...repeat...
2) The way relationships wax and wane. I was never any good at feeling secure as they waned and trusting all would wax back soon.
3) Being told to shush during every tv show, movie, or program because it was too distracting and somebody liked to watch in silence.
4) Hearing the monitor click on and knowing that a power struggle would ensue over who would go up to get the baby.
5) Worrying about the husband's drinking, feeling trapped and not letting myself go anywhere for fear that a "slip" would occur.
6) Not acting like my self because I was too concerned about what he thought.

There are plenty more, but I am feeling drained. I sobbed through typing that whole first list, but didn't seem to cry one bit typing the second list. Someday maybe I will able to read all those things I miss and know that I have found them elsewhere.
Perhaps in friendships?
Perhaps in another love relationship?
Perhaps inside of myself?
I hope the latter is true. Self-sufficiency is a skill that I seem to have stopped cultivating over the last six years. I once had a therapist who told me, when I was panicking over becoming co-dependent in my burgeoning love relationship with P, "All relationships are co-dependent. It's the nature of them. How can you be in a love relationship without relying on your partner for things and vice versa?"

Complete self-sufficiency may protect me from becoming too co-dependent, but it doesn't stop me from having needs. I pray that I will find healthy, constructive ways to meet my own needs and the needs of my children in the years to come. I am looking forward to some me time.

Sentence Diagramming...Anyone Remember This?

I was having a chat with my mother today about sentence diagramming. We were talking about how much we loved it as grade schoolers. I was big into geometry. Sentence diagramming seemed like the geometry of the language world. Anyhow, I am wondering your answers to the following questions:

1) Did you prefer geometry or algebra, in general?

2) Did you get better grades in geometry or algebra?

3) Do you remember sentence diagramming?

4) Did you like it?

5) Could you diagram a sentence today?

To jog your memory, here are a couple diagrams I found online. YIKES. Aren't they complex looking? How can I not remember how to do this? Also...remember stoichiometry from chemistry? Double yikes!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, March 22, 2007

A Couple More Vids...

Little Laney Lou Who...she was very cute the last few days...she also has been cranky, bratty and neurotic. Ahhhhhh the terrible twos!


Wednesday, March 21, 2007

Flight to Health (or Apparently Flight INTO Health)

There is a phenomenon in mental breakdowns and their treatment that is called a "flight to health." This is how they are describing my husband's condition the last few days. He was remarkably better and seemed really motivated to get out of the hospital. The problem is he also seemed very motivated to NOT go into any further treatment. So, now, they seem to have his number. One hospital is talking to the other and his doctor (psychiatrist) got involved. I am guessing he used the "malpractice" warning. He probably said something like this: "This guy is repeating a pattern here. He's experiencing a classic flight to health, this is not a real recovery, nor is it a good faith attempt to move on with his life. No. This is more likely a sign that he is not doing well and is in for more subsequent breakdowns..." So, now, thank GOD, they are refusing to let him out of the hospital due to the instability behind this feeling of wellness. Here is one of the only definitions I found of this phenomenon:

Definition: An opposite problem occurs when change comes too quickly. It's not uncommon for clients who enter therapy to deal with a difficult problem to experience a positive change in their situation after seeing a therapist for only a few sessions. Feeling good about this reversal of their lives and assuming change is easy, they convince themselves they no longer need outside assistance. There's even a name for this phenomenon. It's called a "flight to health." So future sessions are cancelled, although there is still a lot of work to reinforce the minor changes that have been made. Source: click here

I am sad for him, but I am happy to be divorcing him...well, not really happy. I wouldn't say that. I am sad and depressed and crestfallen and disappointed. The only good thing is that, at this particular moment, I don't have to fight and scream and get involved in this medical care. I can just let it be. I don't have to care for him anymore. Although, I continue to realize that I will not ever be able to stop caring about him.

UPDATE: As I was lying in bed this morning I started thinking that the phrase "flight into health" sounded more familiar. I don't know if the social worker got it wrong, or if I heard it wrong, but I found WAY more information on this new are some interesting tidbits:

flight into health
in dynamic psychotherapy, the early but often only temporary disappearance of the symptoms that ostensibly brought the patient into therapy; a defense against the anxiety engendered by the prospect of further psychoanalytic exploration of the patients conflicts.

Retrieved from ""

Flight into health
When a sick person who is terrified of diagnosis or treatment goes to the doctor, he or she may suddenly feel a lot better and not need anything done after all. In fact this can even be a psychological phenomenon, where they actually do feel better (something akin to the placebo effect).

Denial stage - classic behavior here is a 'flight into health', where previously-perceived problems are suddenly seen as having miraculously fixed themselves

Sunday, March 18, 2007

Dear God, Bless Humpty Dumpty...

One of Elena's favorite pastimes these days is reading to us. I am both amazed at her comprehension and memory, while simultaneously in awe of how her imagination fills in the blanks. At the bottom of this post is a video of her reading so you can get a sense of her tone. Enjoy that, but a moment ago, I tried to transcribe her reading a prayer book to herself. There seems to be some interweaving between nursery rhymes and prayers, real life experiences and concerns and imaginary events and characters. It's pretty is the transcription as best as I could keep.

Thank you God. Last time (I think last time means "Once upon a time") made little baby horse and mama horse and reindeers, fwogs, tadpoles, chipmunks, spiders and dee bees. and dee squirrels, wabbits...
Last time my pwayers: make us feel better, make us go away and be good, humpty dumpty fell off wall, God bless him he fell off wall.

And frightened Miss Muffin away...(Nursery rhymes)

God bless horses
God bless kittens
God bless their daddies and make them feel better
Make everyone feel better
Go to the doctor and make them feel better and them don't look like dadda's doctor...(prayers for her dad)

And there's a fluff cold mountain and fluff cold mountain from fluff cold mountain (I have NO IDEA what the heck this means)
Dees pwayers...and pwayers...

He called for his pipe and he was merry old soul and thought about the many gifts you give us and people gave him many many gifts maybe God make us feel better and God bless our trip. (this is a combo of Old King Cole and a prayer that sounds an awful lot like what my mother says before dinner)

He thought about his fluff cold mountain and fluff cold mountain was cold...he thought and he thought and thought. He had a drip down his nose and he coughed and then he spit out his nose. He talk about it and he talk...Will you be my friend? Nope! No, I won't! (this is from Mouse and Elephant a different book...who knows how this fluff cold mountain character got in there - I think it is a character though)

Now I can read Good Day and Bad Day...on to another book...

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Like a Handprint on My Heart

So, I have been listening to Wicked lately. Track 18 speaks to me. It tells the story of my husband and me. Perhaps we are not meant to be, perhaps we will not see each other for a long time. I don't know. I know I have been changed for the better for knowing him and having him as a friend. Here are the words to the song that makes me cry...track 18...the song is called For Good:

(Elphaba) I'm limited
Just look at me - I'm limited
And just look at you
You can do all I couldn't do, Glinda
So now it's up to you
For both of us - now it's up to you...

(Glinda) I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

(Glinda) Because I knew you

(Both) I have been changed for good

(Elphaba) And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

(Glinda) But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

(Both) And none of it seems to matter anymore

(Glinda) Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

(Elphaba) Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

(Both) Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

(Glinda) And because I knew you...

(Elphaba) Because I knew you...

(Both) Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

My Mood for Today is:


Saturday, March 10, 2007

Growing Up with Bwiends

You might recall that Elena loves her bwiends...She now does call them her animals and she has graduated from the cartoony bwiends, to the Schleich animal figurines.

Here is the original Bwiends post:
My favorite little thing Elena does lately is play with her bwiends (that's friends). Her friends are five little squirty bath toys which cost me about $2 at Target. Their names are: Moo Moo, Baa Baa, Duh Doh, Bloop Bloop, and Gack Gack, or Cow, Sheep, Dog, Whale and Duck. There was an Oink Oink, but he went the way of many of Hannibal Lechter's victims when the family dog chewed his face off.

All the friends stay organized via the buddy system. They all match up.
Bloop Bloop and Gack Gack - both water lovers
Baa Baa and Moo Moo - barn animals
Oink Oink and Duh Doh - used to hang out together, but now Duh Doh is a fifth wheel to one of the other buddy groups. Tagalong!

She can spend hours gathering and sorting her bwiends. This is great...she's practicing organization, or learning to herd. However, the flip side of this obsession, which is not so great, is that if one of the buddies is missing, she flips her lid and goes berzerk looking for them. So, suppose she has Bloop Bloop in her hand, but can't find the duck. She will incessantly call for the missing one, "OH NO!! GACK GACK???"UH OH!! OH NO!! Gack Gack, whhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhheeeeeehhhh rrrrrrrrrrrrr you?"

So the other day Patrick called me at work and said, "What the hell does gack gack gack gack gack gack mean in Laney-speak?"

My answer was simple..."Is she holding bloop bloop?"

"Yes," he said, suspiciously...

"She wants her duck."

And, here are some pictures where you can play "spot the bwiend."

The old bwiends:

And here are the bwiends-based games of late. They all involve shadows and lining up the animals so she can watch their shadows change shape. We think she's a budding artist!

Here's something completely surreal. There are some things I will do online. I might even go so far as to say that MOST things I will do online. I have no fear when it comes to online merchants, identity theft, etc. If it's quick, convenient and seems like a good deal I am all over it. So, when embarking on this new, strange world of divorce I decided to google: "divorce online" and see what I got.

Believe it or not, you can:
1) Fill out divorce paperwork online
2) Consult a lawyer online
3) Add a divorce to your shopping cart
4) Select options such as, divorce-uncontested, divorce with minor children, divorce without minor children
5) Get a court approval "guaranteed" or your money back
6) Unlimited changes to your forms at no additional cost
7) And only on the Web can you get 110% guarantees, Premium Web Divorce $199, No fault Divorce $28.95, and get access to a complete divorce organizer.

Seems like just yesterday I was going through my wedding planner and searching for marriage information online. What a long strange trip it's been!

Friday, March 09, 2007

Divorce is Weird

Patrick was served with the divorce papers last night. He assures me he will sign them and set the kids and me free. He has surprised me by telling me that he is "at peace" with all this and that he agrees I am doing the right thing. Imagine that! Divorcing your husband and having him tell you he agrees with it...that makes me sad and happy all at the same time.

In the end, I am happy to report that I am not divorcing Patrick for lack of loving him, nor even for lack of loving him ENOUGH...I am divorcing him because I could not love myself and be married to him at the same time. So, I guess that means my answer is, I love myself and my children TOO much to continually subject them to the pain of Patrick's mental illness and struggles with addictions. It is a good thing
to be divorcing for love not hate.

Patrick had a slip in his recovery. I told him if he slipped and did drugs ever again (nitrous oxide, to be exact) it was over. He did them again (after spending $15,000 and 3 months in rehab) I kept my word. It's over from a marital standpoint.

I know I don't have to ask for your support, as family and friends, I know
that you give it.

I don't have to ask you to pray for us, as family and friends, you give that too.

Sunday, March 04, 2007

It's Time for the Big D

Perhaps posting this here will help people in similiar situations get help...before it is too late. I started this last night at 2 AM. It's now 12 noon the next day and my hell is over...for now...

8:00 AM - Wake up at Mom and Dad's. P had fallen asleep in the playroom and I was in my room on the other side of the house. Go downstairs and we both wake up around the same time. Play with the kiddos, hang out with coffee...normal morning.

10:00 AM - Mom says she will take the kids to my grandmother's house, so P and I can run down our house in Norwalk to get it ready to sell. We plan on listing it tomorrow.

10:30 AM - Go down to the house together. We check out the basement (which flooded yesterday and it's not as bad as we thought). P immediately says, "I need a nap." We have an argument over whether or not this is right to nap when a) we just had 10 hours of sleep and b) have a ton of shit to do. He ends up yelling at me saying, "If I want to nap, I'll take a nap."

11:30 AM - I go to Barnes and Noble to get out of the house, get a coffee, and clear my head. I pick out some childrens' books for Laney and feel better. I head home. He's laying down, not really sleeping. I go in the room and tell him, "Patrick, this is it, we need make and KEEP an appointment with the divorce mediator. I love you and am afraid we are just plain malignant for each other right now. I am done." I don't really know what brought me to this point, but I just was so done.

He starts crying, props up on one elbow, looks me in the eye and says, "I am sorry. I have been such a stubborn, selfish jerk. I know you need a partner who supports you and I will be that. I WILL take care of you. I WILL NOT let our marriage die. I love you and, right now, you need to go lie down and be comfortable in bed and relax and let me get you lunch. You rest and call friends and I will go to Home Depot and fix up this house." Needless to say, I cried tears of joy. (Dana can attest to this since I called her at this point.

12:30 PM - I drift off into a little nap and feel more relaxed than I have in months. Maybe it will be alright? Maybe we will make it? Maybe....night night, Kiki

2:00 PM - Phone rings and P tells me that the car, which I had bottomed out in the morning pulling over the curb in our front yard...our VERY old van that has over 160,000 miles on it, is leaking coolant and can't be driven. He says he's in the parking lot at Home Depot and that he will call AAA.

2:30 PM - I decide to borrow the neighbor's car and go over to pick up all of P's crap out of the van. He had driven it home from upstate NY and had (still after almost 2 weeks) his suitcases, computer, etc in it. I get to Home Depot and pull into the parking lot next to his car. I can see that he is quickly rummaging in the back of the car. I can tell he is up to something and I immediately suspect he's doing whip-its....been there before and, this man just does not move fast and he was furtively shoving something somewhere FAST. So I ask him. He denies it.

2:45 PM - Go to load the neighbor's car. He puts his backpack in first and then all his other big suitcases. He then says he wants to have a cigarette and goes rummaging around looking for his backpack and then says, "Geesh, I never should have put this in the way back here." He goes to smoke in the van claming he wants to call AAA again to see when they are coming. I say fine. I go to throw away some trash and then come back and he is talking to AAA. He is giving them every drop of info...acct number, my name, location, license plate, etc. This seems strange to me since he claims to have done this already about an hour ago. He hangs up and says to me, "WHY did they need all the info again?" I look at him suspiciously and say, "Patrick DID you call them before?" He says yes.

3:00 PM - Decide to head back home to Norwalk so we can drop off the neighbor's car. I talk him into just calling AAA and cancelling. Let's just leave the car for tonight, I say. So we do...

3:15 PM - Go to transfer stuff out of the neighbor's car and into the storage pod and again, P puts his backpack at the very bottom of all of his big pieces of luggage. I question him (it's like putting your purse at the bottom of a big pile where you won't be able to access it). He claims nothing is in it. I say, "I am going to need to look in your backpack NOW." (I've gotten really good at trusting my instincts!) He says, " either trust me or you don't!" I say, "Obviously, I DON'T! If you were not hiding anything, you would not mind this, nor would you be making such a big deal of it." I make one move towards the backpack and he says, "YES, I went and bought whip-its." I go to the backpack and there are $80 worth of whip-its in there.

3:17 PM - My heart breaks...yet again. I look at him earnestly and say, "Well, you really did make a dumb choice today, didn't you? You pick today, when I am READY to get a divorce, to do this? Your actions are speaking louder than your words, you want out. I will give it to you."

3:30 PM - Call my friend Pat to come and drive us to Ridgefield. She complies, GOD BLESS HER. We sit outside, him staring into space, me staring at the ground. I am numb and broken and sad. I do love this man, I know no one can or will understand how, why, etc. But, I do. We sit together for awhile. P gets up and throws away all the whip-it stuff. I thank him, but I know it's too little too late. I think about leaving him in Norwalk, but know that, DAMMIT, all his meds are at my parents' house. So.....

4:00 PM Pat picks us both up and drives us to Ridgefield. We get home and lie together on our futon in the playroom and talk. I tell him about how I have tried. I am exhausted from trying so hard. I can't do anymore. He says he wants to die for about the 100th time this week. I say, "I sorry you don't get to. You have 24 hours to figure out where you will go. I can't have you living here. It's not working. As for everything else, we will talk about that." Toying with options, it just seems like there is SERIOUSLY no where for him to go.

5:00 PM - My mom gets home with the kids and we immediately sit down with her and I ask her to tell me what she is thinking and all her frustrations come out. She's not able to have P living with us. She feels trapped in her own home. She looks at P and tells him she loves him, but that he can't be a family man right now, it's obvious. She tells him she's seen her daughter turn into a lousy daughter, a lousy mother and depressed soul. She can't watch it anymore.

5:05 PM - P seems to rally and plays with his kids and give Elena her bath...he is actually being quite sweet. I am resigned to the fact that it will be over, but he still is being quite a sweet father and it touches me. I go into the bathroom and I can hear him talking to Laney in the kitchen. She says, "I wuv you Dadda. I wuv my Momma too!" He says..."I love you too, Laney and I love your Momma too." and she says, "Why you love my Momma, Daddy?" and he answers, "I love your Momma because she is my wife, I married her because I love her so much." It was sweet. We do baths and put her to bed and sweet Liam to bed.

7:00 PM - I go downstairs. P and I are planning on watching 24. We put it on and watch it. During the second episode, I fall asleep, my M.O.

8:30 PM - I wake for a moment and the tv is running, but P is no longer in his seat. I get up and pad into the kitchen and he is closing my parents' liquor cabinet. I look at him and say, "You WILL NOT drink at my parents' house. YOU WILL NOT!!! You need to take your medication and go to bed." He says no, all the while holding his spinning head. He's tortured, it's obvious to see. He says, "I can't. Sorry. I'm going." I say, "Don't come back." He says, "Don't worry...I won't!" And leaves, slamming the door.

8:45 PM - Lock all doors and crumple into a heap and cry for the lost marriage, his mental illness, his disease, that he's said he wants to die and I fear he might do something, etc.

10:30 PM - Feed Liam and get into bed.

2:00 AM - Pounding at the door. My mother lets him in. Tells him to go sleep in the playroom. I am awake now, writing this all down and listening to the sounds of him stumble around and probably puking. I want to die, too. This is too hard, God. I can't believe this is my life. I really truly can't.

So he banged around all night and stomped and raved and slammed doors and put a hole in the wall...he kept me and my mom awake until 5AM when he finally passed out...I guess.

Slept until 6:30 when Elena got up. At 7:30, Patrick got up, came downstairs crying and still raving...all the time I kept thinking about the full moon and the origin of the word lunatic...and finally he crossed a line. I have always wanted to kill people, he said.

I dialed 911 and was a typical, hysterical 911 call.
Them: Are there children in the house?
Them: Can you take the baby and leave the house?
Me: YES!
Locked myself in the car. They came and took him away. He's going to be at the's over now. I am so relieved and tragically torn up. Maybe this will make for good "fiction" later. I just can't believe my life has disintegrated to such a state.