Thank God for Mich Zeman....

It's interesting. Once, a long, long time ago in a city not so far away, I went to therapy. I had the most gifted therapist and he helped me to learn an awful lot of truths about me and the world and interpersonal relationships, etc. He taught me that in order for a relationship to continue, you need to make choices at the pivot points (or points of change) to change in ways that don't separate you. These points of change come routinely. We are like snakes shedding their skins. If we don't make choices that consider our partners, we might just drift apart.

He taught about "outsourcing" in a marriage. He said that so many marriages and relationships get bogged down in the mire of everyday chores. He pointed out that if something is important to one or both parties, but neither feels inspired or able to accomplish it, they should consider outsourcing it. He said, for example, getting a cleaning lady to remove the battlefield of keeping a clean house, can be a brilliant solution.

He taught me about codependency. Not to avoid it like the plague, but to embrace that relationships, by their very nature, are codependent. What good is a relationship when you do not need each other for anything? To depend on your partner for some things and augment each others' strengths, sets up a solid and strong union.

He helped me find my primary motivation in life: engagement. He even gave me that word specifically to describe it. He helped me come to realize that in order to feel fulfilled and happy, one has to know what makes them fulfilled and happy. How he was so brilliant to point out that "engagement" was my thing, I will never know.

I have spent much time on couches since then, but none have helped me even a fraction of the amount that his chintz covered, comfortable couch in Rowayton did! There were the therapists I could easily out think and manipulate (certainly not intentionally, but as a defense mechanism or to avoid discomforting self-analysis). There were counselors who were adequate at providing a forum for whining and release of emotions. There were those who frankly just weren't smart enough or quirky enough to "get" me. And, of course, there were my least favorite kinds of workers who relied on paper tools such as worksheets, list building and homework assignments. 

So, today, I thank God for Mich Zeman and for having a therapist like him. The conversations we had, the tears I shed and the frustrations I voiced are still, to this day serving me.

More Questions than a Two-Year-Old

I find myself in a state of constant thinking and pondering. I seem to enjoy, more than any other pursuit, the unraveling of personalities and categorizing of them. Why does a person do what they do? Why are they aware (or disappointingly unaware) of what they do? How does the mind work? Lately, I have been seeing and observing with new eyes. The goal? To get as "out of my own head" as I can get. I want to know what it is like in someone else's shoes.

Recently, a friend asked me what my "superpower" would be, were I granted only one. I knee-jerkedly answered FLYING. I stand by that choice, but hers was MIND READING. I am completely on the fence as to whether or not I would like to be able to see inside others' minds. Although it is my source of greatest enjoyment and engagement, I don't think I would like having it all laid out in front of me. I think it would remove my grandest source of noodling. Plus, we've all seen that movie "What Women Want" where the cacophonous whinging of all the, in this case female, people in the room is overwhelmingly annoying.

Yup. I think I'll stick to flying.

Drama on the Mountain

I have started a novel. It's historical fiction. It's based on the last year up here on the Mountain. This place is like a fly strip for drama. I haven't figured out why, but that does not stop me from asking the questions. Is it the people who live up here? Some supernatural effect? The work of the devil? Me?

Well, whatever the reason, it is definitely providing some wonderful fodder for a book. If the only thing harvested on this farm on the Mountain is quirky, colorful characters and hearty story lines, I will not be disappointed!

Off With Her Head

For a long time, I had been wondering what the coitus ritual of the praying mantis is...Ironically, a friend posted some praying mantis sex pics on Facebook yesterday and another friend told me that the praying mantis is her totem creature. Here is the skinny on their sexual behavior:

Rumors of the praying mantis' cannibalistic tendencies began when scientists observed their mating behavior in a laboratory environment. Entomologists would offer a captive female a potential mate, and would quite often be horrified to watch the female bite the head or legs off the smaller male. After the male had served his copulatory purpose, he was nothing more than a good meal to the female. For a long time, these observations of praying mantis sex in the lab were thought to be the way things were in the mantid world.

Once scientists started observing praying mantis sex in a natural setting, the story had a different ending, which is good for the males. When unconfined in laboratory terrariums, the majority of praying mantis mating ends with the male flying off, unharmed. By most estimates, sexual cannibalism by praying mantis females occurs less than 30% of the time outside the lab. Those are pretty good odds for the fellows. Praying mantis sex, it turns out, is really a rather romantic series of courtship rituals that typically ends satisfactorily and safely for both parties involved.
There is a decided advantage for the female, however, if she does decide to behead her lover. The praying mantis brain, located in his head, controls inhibition, while a ganglion in the abdomen controls the motions of copulation. Absent his head, a male praying mantis will lose all his inhibitions and consummate his relationship with wild abandon.

And what if she's hungry? For certain, a slow moving and deliberate predator like the praying mantis is not going to pass up an easy meal. If a male makes the unfortunate choice of a hungry female for a mate, he's probably going to be toast once they've mated.

Damned in the Present, Damned in the Future

Present self vs Future self TED Talk.

New York Times article on the same
 It's about the battle between the two-headed beast inside us.
The present self. "I want an oompa loompa, Daddy, and I want it now."
The future self. "I may not have considered all the costs and annoyances associated with having an oompa loompa."

I am not interested in the second half of the talk on the "financial" relationship between our present and future selves, but instead it's the concept of commitment devices (to keep ourselves in check) and the misestimation of our future selves (that we will do better than our present) that intrigues me. I definitely fall into a category of impulsivity which disregards my future self completely. I am also quite good at manipulating my best intentions and breaking, getting around, or breaking my commitments.

I can really relate to this sentiment, postulated in the NYT's article:

Ignoring the needs of our future self is one way we create problems for our present self. Another way is by dumping all the issues we don’t want to deal with now on the mythical future self who’s somehow going to be more patient, more organized, more restrained — more everything we’re not now .

“It’s hard to imagine that we’re going to be under the same stress” when we’re older, Dr. McGonigal said. “It seems like we will have more time and energy and we can let the future person deal with what we can’t deal with now.”

And that gives an excuse to procrastinate. In my case, I’ve been putting off eating better for some future time when somehow I’ll want to eat bulgur wheat rather than chocolate cake.

 Let me eat cake, I say. 

What am I doing? I love what I'm doing!

When Elena was about three, she uttered this great little gem. It just floated to the top of my conscious mind and then wedged there for awhile on repeat. It occurs to me that it not only is good report of what Elena was doing at that time - she was dancing "Lord of the Dance" style in the kitchen - it also is an amazingly insightful prescription for life.

What am I doing?
It's a good idea to ask frequently what one is doing. It's an interesting question. It encourages introspection and furthers self-understanding. What AM I DOING? Accent on the AM or the DOING, not the I. A lot of times we focus too intently on the "I" and what the "I" tells us. Rationalizations, justifications, white lies to our self are prevalent. Look objectively at the "AM." The AM just looks at the DOING, the action occurring, non-judgementally and objectively.

I love what I'm doing!
This is self-love at its most perfect. After objectively noticing the action, then accept it. Hug it! Love it! It's part of you. With the innocent optimism and unjaded mind, love what you are doing at any given moment. If it's a good and healthy thing, loving it is easy. If it's a broken, obsessive, addictive, harmful action, love yourself in spite of it. Embrace it and realize it is good because it is still part of you and part of what is making you.

I think those of us who can REALLY look at what we're doing and REALLY love what we're doing...even if it is not ideal, can reach a place of peace and acceptance. And who knows, by asking "What AM I doing?" more often, perhaps we will more and more often truly love what we are doing.

Take the Thick with the Thin

As my children play outside and I am practicing my sometimes "Lord of the Flies" parenting approach, I think about what they will say in their (inevitable) future therapy sessions. I wonder what kind of label I will get from the psych---- with whom they are conversing. Usually when I think about my parenting, I revel in the high moments: the hikes, the frog hunting, the cooking together, painting, walking, learning about the world by doing...but these will most likely not be the themes explored in their therapy. No. Their therapy will focus on my shortcomings, of which there are many.

They will talk about how I was "hands-off" in my parenting. They will forget that this gave them independence and a sense that they were trusted and expected to make strong decisions, and the will focus on abandonment.

They will say I was critical of them. That I made them change their outfits that blaringly didn't match. They will not know that this was more a criticism and distrust of mean gradeschool kids.

They may say I kicked them outside when I didn't want them bugging me. What they won't remember is that I kicked them outside when their energy levels were imploding and they were on hour two of couch wrestling and it was apparent they needed to let outside to run like puppies.

They may say I forced playdates on them when they just wanted to sit around and watch TV. They will not know how deeply I feared them not having a best friend relationship and how much I longed for that for them. So much that I invited every potential opportunity to meet kids their own age up to our house. Maybe this one will become her bestie? Maybe this one can match his energy levels?

They'll claim I dragged them to church. The flea market. Concerts in parks. Friends' houses. Parties. Hikes. Parks. But all these things were meant to teach through experience and help them learn by doing and interacting and engaging with the world.

They may say I was always buried in my world of work, computer, iPhone and the like. And they will probably be right. I do take my "me" time and I do keep my own interests. For I believe that a parent has to "put his or her own oxygen mask on prior to being able to help anyone else."

They may remember me taking selfies all the time. I struggle to turn this one into a positive...but maybe, just maybe they will come to believe that their mother loved herself and photography. When there were no subjects around, she would use herself...or her kids...which is another thing they may disdain. There was often a camera lens, or iPhone peering into their souls trying to capture that which the momma sees in them and loves in them. I really hope they will see that I just wanted to collect and save every sweet moment with them.

Juicing the Creative

Lately, I have found my creativity has returned for a spell. I've been taking more pictures, even "seeing" more photo opporunities. I've been doing a little art. I've even started a book based on my first year here on The Mountain...called (of course) Drama on the Mountain. Even my sense of humor seems to have returned.

I attribute this all to being free of a controlling relationship, daily hikes and the beauty and perfect weather of my surroundings. When my relationship ended, I enjoyed a period of clutter subtraction and tidying that has only served to make room for my new creative efforts.

Yesterday, I found a rusty piece of metal at mile one of my three mile hike. I wrested a piece of it off and carried it the remaining two miles. This morning I made it into my morning "artpouting" and I love how it came out!!

 

Before



After

Tasty Apples

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

We are ALL broken.
We are all BROKEN.
We are also all perfect in our brokeness.
We hold the healing power for our brokeness.
No one else can fix us.
We can only fix ourselves.
We must embrace that broken part and pull it deep into ourselves.
In accepting and loving the broken parts of ourselves, they lose their power over us.
We are afraid to look at the broken parts.
We continually run, fast and furious, away from them.
We are defensive.
We are depressed.
We seek external solutions.
When we do not find them, we are more broken.
Then, one day, we become aware. The common denominator in our lives is us. All problems are us. All worries are us. All doubts are us. We are our pain and we can ease it. It's no one else's problem and it's no one else's to solve.

XOXOXO to me.

I'm Bored

No, not me, I am rarely bored. I have such a rich inner monologue and inspired ideas, I only get "bored" when I am doing something I don't love to do, but am required to...such as work, or waiting in line at the DMV, or listening to my kids complain that they are bored for hours on end. Is there anything more boring than small people whining that they are bored? No, I assure you, there is not.

I think back to my own childhood. I always had something going on. I woke up in the morning with a project on my brain, or a story I was burning to write, or a tree had set my sites on climbing. I remember many a parental "nap" time when I produced copious drawings or wrote my own song on our little rickety organ. So, why then, are they so easily bored?

Is it just our modern world? TV, compared to the snow-filled, underprogrammed one of my day, is highly entertaining and features such amazing instant gratifiers as "On Demand" "Streaming Movies" and 4045 channels from which to choose one's entertainment. Have we just so discouraged down-time now that entertainment comes at such a frantic clip?

If there is an exception to my never-bored childhood, it's Sunday afternoons. To this day, I remember my parents choosing to nap or do yard work or keep themselves occupied with their household chores. I remember that I was tired...I had played out all my scenarios and plans and was tapped out. It was a time when I really did just want to put on the TV and turn off my brain. All that was every on at those times was ABC Sports and (for some reason it always seemed) Big Valley. Was there ever a show more boring for a child of the 70's than Big Valley? Even Ponderosa was better!

As I write this though, I realize that I am now the parent, who spent all day organizing drawers and folding laundry and they are the kids (just like I was) antsy for my attention. And off goes the computer...and off goes the TV...time for some quality time.

If It's a Question of Commitment

I have a simple question, which I assure you does not have a simple answer.

Which is scarier, being afraid to commit to a relationship or being scared you will never be in a committed relationship?

I flip-flop between the two fears. Fear of being improperly committed...or just tied down and no longer independent, and fear of being alone forever. I love the feeling of sleeping next to someone, just feet touching, but when arms and hot body surround me, I get clausterphobic. When I am alone with my own thoughts and lonely in my house for too long, I long for companionship. Am I relegated to forever be trapped running towards or away from one of these circumstances.

In a related question, which is finer act of bravery, commiting to a relationship, even though you are scared to death and feel truly unable to carry through long-term on the commitment or avoiding commitment, even though a part of you longs for it, because you are afraid in the end you won't be able to hack it?

And Today's Feel Good Moment...Changed for Good

Brought to you by this article:
http://www.broadwayworld.com/article/In-Her-Own-Words-Sarah-Horn-Shares-Inspirational-Story-of-Singing-with-Kristin-Chenoweth-at-the-Hollywood-Bowl-and-Going-Viral-20130825
And this video:
http://youtu.be/FpXm_sXcc_Y
And the lyrics of this song that are intrinsically FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda):
Because I knew you
(Both):
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda):
And because I knew you...
(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...
(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Read more: Wicked - For Good Lyrics | MetroLyrics

The Rubber Band Theory of Porcupine Warmth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_qhdPflUb8&feature=share&list=PL0511CDD7379488C0

Ted talks. They are a great way of having ah-ha moments. Today's about porcupines as an analogy of people successfully navigating the playing field of love got me thinking. A long time ago I read the Mars/Venus book. It was odd since, at the time, I was a Mars woman with a Venus man. My man at the time acted much more like the needy woman and I needed to go into my Martian cave all the time. I have since been in relationships which were flipped the other way. So, although I believe the Mars/Venus relationship exists, I don't believe it can be tied to specific genders consistently (which, on a side note, is what I believe about almost every gender stereotype, but I digress). The ONE thing that Mars/Venus had BANG ON was the rubber band theory of courtship (I paraphrase).

It went something like this:
If you imagine that two partners are connected by a rubber band which must always be kept at a certain tautness to stay together, you realize that when one partner moves in, the other will retreat to keep the band at a comfortable tightness. If one partner pulls away dramatically, the other will chase, again to stop the pinch of the band which is stretched almost to breaking. (Again, hope John Grey doesn't mind my paraphrasing).

This video proposes the exact same concept, but with a different analogy: porcupines. Watch towards the end to hear her lovely depiction, but in Kiki Cliff Notes it is this: when two porcupines are out in a cold, cold winter and they need each other's warmth, they must get close to each other. When they do that, they get closer and closer until they are getting pricked. Then, they retreat. Then, they get cold and need each other's warmth again. Then the huddle together again, until it's uncomfortable because they get too close...Porcupines as an analogy for love, who knew?

Ego, Pride and Narcissism...oh my

"Except in the sense of primary narcissism or healthy self-love, narcissism is usually considered a problem in a person or group's relationships with self and others. Narcissism is not the same as egocentrism."

I am trying to understand the different between narcissism and egotism. No matter, why I am trying to do this (hmmmm). Let's just say, I am intrigued by healthy vs. unhealthy self-love. I am interested in knowing where self-love falls off the edge and becomes unhealthy.

Some interesting facts I uncovered in my research are that Narcissus, the man every one knows as "in love with his own image" was actually in love with his reflection, but he did not know it to be his own image. He didn't realize he was in love with himself because his concept of reality was so skewed, he was unable to understand that he was only able to obsessively love the object that was actually himself, instead of others. This set up a house of cards for the poor guy. Everyone around him was a projection of himself. Everything he saw or experienced as reality was constructed to keep his own fragile self from pulling back the curtain.

An unhealthy condition, the narcissist is unable to love anyone but his or herself. There reality is as faltering as a reflection in a pool.

An egotist is about self-promotion and being a celebrity in their own life. They are unable to acknowledge and empathize with others' thoughts and needs. "Looked at differently, the conceit of egotism describes a person who acts to gain values in an amount excessively greater than that which he or she gives to others."

After a lot of reading and studying this morning, I've come to the conclusion that the Narcissist lives in a self-reflective reality whereby he or she can only see things that are bounced off his or her own self. An Egotist lives in a bold world colored brightly by his or her self in it. I think of the Narcissist as viewing the as an extension of themselves and the Egotist viewing the world as a play where they are at the center and the star character. Both struggle wholly and completely with putting themselves in someone else's shoes.

As a final note, I think I am overly concerned with issues of self, but I am neither a Narcissist or an Egotist...well, anymore than the next guy.

As Ann Landers once remarked, "At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At 40, we don't care what they think of us. At 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all." - Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201204/it-s-fine-line-between-narcissism-and-egocentrism

Period.

I am trying to figure out how to write this blog in a nebulous enough way that I don't come off looking like a sappy sixteen year old, but chances are I will fail at that objective. So, don't judge.

For a year, I have been struggling with the ending of a relationship which should NOT be so important to me and command such a large piece of  my heart. I ask myself why so frequently, I grow impatient and even I tell myself to shut up.

So, my first theory was this. When a relationship is cut off at the knees in the infatuation period, it is much, much harder to let go. Especially if that "cut" is made by one person and not the other. The continual marinating in the past can be headed off by making a clean break, stopping all contact, defriending, etc. But so often, when a relationship ends unexpectedly in the infatuation period, there is no anger, no "bad times" to justify the end. So, out of this conundrum comes an almost obsessive pining and rehashing of the relationship. Yeah, that's familiar. But, somehow ALL relationships that end during the infatuation period don't do this to a person (um, me). So, why some?

I've decided that sometimes this is because those relatioships that stick in our craws, hang on for dear life like a toddler clinging to its mother's leg and dragging across the slippery kitchen floor. Yeah, those relationships are different. I have a thought about those unique ones. Maybe this thought comes from my hopeless romantic cockeyed optimistic mind, or maybe it's a universal truth. Can't call it. You be the judge.

Maybe, just maybe, those relationships that seem deeper and more connective than any others but still don't progress are right person, wrong time relationships. I like this theory. It give me hope and makes me smile. I certainly like it better than the wrong person, right time ones. Those ones REALLY suck to get out of.

Tis a Gift to be Simple

This is a reflection of me in a piece of art taken at the flea market.
I call it "Me with Complexities"

All thinking with me, leads to more thinking, which leads to getting lost in thought. I want to know an answer to a simple questions.

Why is it that some people spend so much time inside their heads, thinking, re-thinking and over-thinking every little dusty corner of their soul?

Why is it that some people relate on this level and others cannot?

Why do some people seem so uncomplicated while others completely lost in their mental labyrinths?

I want to untangle my brain. Some days, I just want to spill all the mismatched puzzle pieces on a table and organize them. Put them together so they make sense. This piece by piece analysis is difficult. Who can ever see the big picture?

I swear there are people who see the world much more simply than I do and to those people I raise a toast, "Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free."

Scatter Graph Hell

Oh Excel, some days you confound me...Why is it so difficult to create a scatter graph?

I beat you though. I win.

This time.

Categories

Back in the day, we used to play a drinking game called Categories. It was a little bit like Scattegories. Someone would shout out a category and then around the circle we would go, shouting out items in that category. If you failed to produce an item for the list for that category, you had to drink (of course) and come up with a new category. I think. My memories of the exact rules of this game are a little fuzzy for obvious reasons.

Anyhow, the reason I bring this up is due to a recent conversation I had about my propensity to categorize every blessed thing. I like to put things into boxes and tie them up with a neat bow. It serves me to be able organize people and behaviors. For example, I believe there are personality traits common to first born children. I believe that people who live in different areas of the country have certain regional tendencies. When you grow up orbiting around NYC, you snap your fingers and want things to happen tout suite. Things tend to happen tout suite, too. When I moved to Florida, I could not begin to tell you how much of a fish out of water I was in the culture there. Things just don't move fast like they do up North.

Anyhow, this little discussion was about my categorization of people by gender. I tend to do a lot of characterizing people by their gender. I even liked "Men Are from Mars..." I was very drawn to a PBS special years ago where I remember the thesis of evolutionary development of the different genders. Men, having to hunt and be out on the plains for long periods, were required to be mono-focused...to think more linearly...to not be as easily distracted. Women, whose survival required them to socialize and raise their children in community, learned to focus on many things at once. They thought more relationally, they attended to many things at once: the pot on the stove, the children, the peers, etc. This made just a heck of a lot of sense to me. It wasn't meant to be sexist or judgemental. It was meant to distill things down, to simplify. To find clarity where there is confusion. That is what I seek.

Here are some of the blogs I have written using my "categorization talent":

http://lemurandlou.blogspot.com/2011/04/further-understanding-of-momzilla.html

http://lemurandlou.blogspot.com/2011/02/women-are-from-venus-and-other-women.html

http://lemurandlou.blogspot.com/2011/02/we-havent-always-all-lived-on-venus.html

http://lemurandlou.blogspot.com/2012/11/carrots-or-candy-bars.html

http://lemurandlou.blogspot.com/2010/06/doing-man-up.html

Indeed. Timing IS Everything.

There are theories I have about life and the nature of things...humans being of the most interest to me. My thought today is this: timing is critical in all things. Right thing, wrong time. Wrong thing, wrong time. Right thing, right time. The worst are those things that you know are right, but they seem a little early or a little late...not dramatically so, just a tiny bit off, or those things which are ALMOST right, but arrive exactly when you expect them.

Love is like this. We find a person who plays that particular chord that we know has been missing. It even might not be the exact chord we had expected, but it's beautiful nonetheless. Maybe, in some cases we even think the dreaded thought that with practice, it will improve. We gloss over the small, not quite rights. If we are positive and hopeful, which are almost always characteristics of early love, we believe we can turn the almost into the just right.

Time is a brisk wind, for each hour it brings something new... but who can understand and measure its sharp breath, its mystery and its design? ~Paracelsus

Each hour, each second, each minute it brings something new and anew in it, we are. I am remembering the movie Sliding Doors, in which there are two versions of time which shunt off from each other and progress separately into two futures. Each moment of time that passes, creates a new me. Well, I am always me, but my willingness, stubborness, openess, closedness, moods, likes, dislikes, wishes, wants, expectations, all change. Suppose you meet the right person at a time when you are not open to meeting anyone new? Or what if you have your expectations set on something else, so you allow something amazing to pass you by? Maybe you were hurt and beaten down and so, in reaction, you will no longer let anyone in? Maybe you are in the healthiest of places you have ever been and you meet the opposite of you, someone in a deep, dark crevasse of their life.

The only way I know to be able to not overthink every single solitary interaction and influence in my life is to try to remain open. No, not try. If you try to be open, you are doing it wrong. To be truly open, you need to suspend judgement. You need to cancel the shoulds and shouldn'ts in your mind. You need to allow yourself to be swept away. Or, perhaps you have to just sit in the activity of not-thinking. How is a person right or wrong, how is timing right or wrong, but from our own perception and judgement of it as such?

If we do not judge the minutes as they traipse by, we can gleefully dance in them.
If we keep our expectations from being goal-oriented, plans of execution, we can free ourselves from a contrived future.
If we believe in a plan that is outside of time, does this mean that things can and will happen regardless of timing?

This is an awful lot of thinking and overthinking about timing, when the goal is to drop the stopwatch...turn off the alarms....stop staring in dread at the clock hands. Just be. Trust and be.

And here, at the end, I have refuted my first statement and title of this blog. Timing is only everything if you let it be.

A Pre-Savings Plan

I just completed my taxes and I'm getting money back. When my brain hears that I am getting money back, it gets excited for all the items I need that I might be able to buy. I saw a couch at the local second-hand shop...$200...seems like almost nothing with the refund I am getting. So, my question today is, "Why does $4000 in "refund" feel like spending money, while $4000 of savings feels untouchable?"

The reality of the situation is that a lot of people use their refunds as savings.

But what do you use your savings for? Vacations, furniture, big purchases? It seems I use my tax refund as a "pre-savings" plan. It's like I am just one teensy refund off from being able to have a savings plan. I live in such paucity year round, paycheck to paycheck with cash flow issues, getting a windfall is like a "pre-savings" plan. It gets my brain a-thinking about what I might want to buy with  my "savings." I have to stop the pattern!

The World Ain't Slowing Down

One of my favorite singers had a hit that was featured in a movie that had the above title. I love the song. I love the message of it. And I love the singer. This singer is putting on a show at an amazing venue on Saturday night and I've been given an opportunity to raffle off two free tickets to one of my loyal readers. To win, you need to:
1) Identify the singer
2) Name the movie in which his song was featured
3) Name two other songs by this artist
4) Tell me why I should pick you for the free tix

Please use the comments section to participate and I will make my decision at this time tomorrow morning.

Good luck!

It's All As It's Supposed to Be

OK...at the onset of 2013, I wrote about living in the moment. About how this means trusting in a plan. God's plan. Today, as I was walking, I got this message LOUD and CLEAR in my mind. Oh the rotating and repetive messages are the most persistent! Anyhow, today I realized although I am trying to let go and believe there is a plan, I am still thinking I can control the outcomes by doing the right things myself. I try to hold on to the living in the moment, but let's face it, if I don't like the moment, I am like a salmon swimming upstream, fighting the rapids.

So, today's message of "It's all as it's supposed to be" was a very freeing message. Imagine the power in truly believing this statement. This means the wars you fight internally. The temptations you succumb to, or those you beat down. The letting go of people, events and things...all of it. Even the attempt to control...even that...as it is meant to be. Oars up...I know I've said that before, but even if your oars are down, maybe even that is meant to be a direction changing drag? We are not pawns, but we are not unguided, uncared for or unloved either.

A Va-LENTEN-tines Message

This year, the church calendar has Easter falling as early as it can. This means Lent is also falling as early as it can. This means Lent is falling the day BEFORE Valentine's Day. Celebrating with excess and richesse is out of the question. Lent is about penitence and preparation...preparing for the day of Christ's death and the passionate betrayal of Him to the cross. It's odd to juxtapose this time of dark in the church calendar with the commercial explosion of hearts, pink and doilies. So, for Lent this year, I am giving up Valentine's Day.

This does not mean I am giving up love, nor does it mean I won't grant my kids' Valentine's Day wishes. No. It does mean that I will not be celebrating the glorification of romantic love. Instead, I am going to use the overlapping of Lent and V-day to seek unconditional love. Isn't Vaentine's Day love expression the opposite of unconditional love? It's bedecked in costume. It's a love that comes with an extended arm bearing gifts of sugar and hearts. It's love that is created and born out of the heightened expectations of a Hallmark holiday.

However, at the center of it is a craving for love. A craving to love and be loved. A giving over of oneself to loving thoughts and caring gestures for a day. Seeking to be connected, rather than disconnected. Isn't this just what Jesus did? Didn't He come to us to connect us and love us? Maybe I don't have to give up Valentine's Day for Lent, but I do want to reframe it, see it in a different light. I want to imagine a love so great it is completely without condition.
A love so all emcompassing, it can barely be imagined by a human mind.
A love that forgives and forgets our shortcomings at all times.

The love God holds for us cannot be trimmed into a heart shape or even improved by a box of chocolates. It is pure and complete and it is there for us every day. Not just on Valentine's Day and not just during Lent and Easter. Not just on Christmas. It's something to be grateful for and to bask in every single day of our lives.

Amen.

Choice Overload

I am going to try to remember the cookie aisle from my childhood. I remember that Oreos were just a cookie. A singular cookie you could define as chocolate with cream filling. Period. Chips Ahoy were cchocolatechip...they were crunchy and tasted faintly of cardboard. They came in one size of cookie and one flavor, color and texture. Maybe there were two box sizes depending on your penchant for cookies or size of your family. There were not the staggering number of choices a stroll down the cookie aisle affords today.

I am amazed, and even might say appalled, by the variety. There are currently birthday cake, chocolate on chocolate, chocolate mint, chocolate peanut butter, vanilla, half vanilla/half chocolate, doublestuff, strawberry, Neapolitan ice cream berry blast...there are FORTY FIVE varieties!!! How incredibly overwhelming. The Oreo brand has merely become a vehicle for different flavors and colors: an experimental platform for heaping on the artificial ingredients. It's downright frightening. Chips Ahoy and the other brands offers no respite. And do NOT get me started on toothpastes...or shampoos...

The paradox of choice states that the more choices you have, the more stress you feel. Consider this:

The Paradox of Choice - Why More Is Less is a 2004 book by American psychologist Barry Schwartz. In the book, Schwartz argues that eliminating consumer choices can greatly reduce anxiety for shoppers.

Autonomy and Freedom of choice are critical to our well being, and choice is critical to freedom and autonomy. Nonetheless, though modern Americans have more choice than any group of people ever has before, and thus, presumably, more freedom and autonomy, we don't seem to be benefiting from it psychologically.

—quoted from Ch.5, The Paradox of Choice, 2004

Now, I know I have shown this video on here before, but it bears repeating. What do you think of choice? Is it a help or a hinderance to your shopping experience?

As of late, I have been (as I mentioned in a previous blog) frequenting some dating sites. The more cute guys I meet, the more nice potentials I meet, the more I just want none. I think I will just close up shop. Maybe when springtime hits I will feel more in the game.  The stress of a misstep in dating seems even more perilous than choosing the wrong Oreo or toothpaste.

Control Struggles

All my life, I have been prone to the "power struggle." It's not that I am a control freak, nor that I have these relationships with every person I meet, but I have found that if someone is prone to trying to wield control, I might lock horns with them. I am intrigued by how to help dissipate a power play. I am curious about passive agressive people and how they enter the equation.

First off, I think most power struggles come out of a stressed situation. If there is no stress, it seems even the boldest of characters and bulliest of people can get along. As soon as an external struggle is introduced, people feel their loss of control profoundly. Some try and regain their control through overt attempts and others through more back-handed, "lead from behind" methods. The key, I suspect, must be in the acknowledgement of the stress situation. Somehow, if you call out the stressor and point out the loss of control that everyone must be feeling, they are able to come to grips with it. If the stressor looms and everyone pretends it doesn't exist, it can really bring out the worst in everyone.

Here are some things I have found that definitely mitigate the high tension situation:
1) Acknowledgement of the stressor and empathy to how it might be impacting others.
2) Speaking openly and honestly about what you are feeling and what others must be feeling.
3) Asking questions...open ended and thoughtful questions and then actually listening to the answers.
4) Believe it or not, revealing your weakness...crying, showing upset.

Let's Talk About "Clicks," Baby...Let's Talk About You and Me...

So, I've been hanging out at the "Online Dating" meeting places as of late. It's a motley cast of characters who frequent these establishments. I have probably been on twenty dates or so and have really only found a couple of clicks. One click blew my socks off, but that faded quickly. The other is a slow and steady kind of thing...not mercurial and flashy, just there for sure. I am left wondering what kind of clicks are the best for love for life? Slow burn? Flashing heat? Butterflies?

It's truly amazing to me how I can meet someone and pretty much instantly know if there is any chemistry. My litmus test is whether or not I can look at their lips and want to kiss them. If I do, it's all good. If I don't, I spend a very long time staring at their lips in dread and thinking about the what ifs..."What if they try to kiss me?" "What if they really like me and I don't like them....how awkward." etc...

I have gone from having lengthy phone conversations and text marathons, to meeting early on in the process. I have found it's a lot easier to communicate that there is no love connection IF you haven't been talking to the person for three weeks. Since that "chemistry" is immediately evident upon meeting them, might as well use that as the initial screen. IF there is at least a foundation for common interests.

I have learned that that chemistry is not beholden to looks or phone connection. It's not made up of commonalities in life interest or height differences. It does not conform to reason or rule (and in my case even gender!). The click is a mysterious chemical equation - a reaction to what? I am not sure, but that does not stop me from knowing it exists and seeking it's hot embrace.

Heart Attack

"I see dead people." - The Sixth Sense

I don't see dead people, but I see hearts...for the last year (almost exactly) I have seen heart shapes EVERYWHERE and in EVERYTHING: trash, nature, the sky, ice, trees, snow, dirt, rocks, grasses...the list goes on and on. This begs the question "why?" Why do I see heart shapes so easily and frequently? There's been a lot of lost love this year...a lot of pain in my heart, is that why?

I tend to think not because I enjoy seeing the hearts and it makes me joyous, doesn't feel like a reminder of lost love. Feels more like the nature I love so well is returning the love. When I say I am an avid hiker and outdoorswoman, I cannot express how much this is true. I am truly happiest and free when I am surrounded by the seasons and out in the fresh air, regardless of the weather.

I think the hearts are Valentine's from nature and I think I see them because of my artistic training. I think I started seeing the heart shape and now my eyes scan constantly while I am out and about. I have introduced my kids to the game of heart hunting and now they proudly present the hearts they find too! They find them all the time when I don't see them...which makes me think that the over 500 hearts I have documented in the last year are just a fraction of the hearts that are out there.

So, start looking for them. You will see them too.

It reminds me of my first year at Skidmore when I took a class called 2-D design which was about creating two dimensional art, balancing compositions, color, dark and light. I distinctly remember beginning that class and how my eyes were opened. Everything became a potential composition. I felt like a film director with my hands forever up in a frame to view the world as two dimensional. Power lines cutting across in a strong diagonal made or the dark and light the horizon line all made me want to capture the design in mind's eye. Snap. Snap. I took mental pictures.

It also reminds me of "the Law of Recurring Infrequencies" which I blogged about a long, long time ago. My eye is primed to see hearts. I am just so glad it's hearts and not swastikas or something scary!

Here is the "Law of Recurring Infrequencies" post pulled out of archives:

Yesterday, I heard a great segment on NPR yesterday about a new girl group box set. It was all about the girl bands of the late 50s/early 60s and their music. I was struck by how similar they all sounded - same subjects, sound and doo wops. Imagine my surprise to come home to Elena's new activity. She moves around the house sing Da Doo Da Doo Da Doo. It's so cute. It's like she has to burst forth in song. She can't help herself. Is this an innate tendency? Are girls born to doo wop? Or is this yet another instance of the law of recurring infrequencies.

My great uncle, Jake Lingle, coined this term. The law of recurring infrequencies explains the bizarre tendency of something you have never heard before or infrequently heard, suddenly popping into conversation, or recurring, again and again after its initial appearance. I've always noticed this happening with new vocabulary words. I will hear a word and look up its meaning, and then lo and behold, hear it three more times that week. It's absolutely bizarre.

What I have always wondered, however, is whether is the learning of that new word, that primes your ear and mind so it sticks out in the subsequent conversations. It's like it raises its hand and shouts out...Look at me! Look at me! Here I am again! Maybe that word was always floating out there, but my learning it is what makes it appear to recur. In other cases, I know it is an infrequent concept that just happens to recur again and again in short time period. Either way, it's an interesting concept and one that I'm sure you'll notice in your own life as well. Got any examples of recurring infrequencies from your life?

Hearts are Found

Click here to view this photo book larger

You'll love Shutterfly's award-winning photo books. Try it today.

Thank you Deepak (and Oprah)

Googling "feeling lost' just to see what t'internet has to offer my predicament yielded an interesting answer...a prescription for something to do. I repost in full below:

Q: I am 59 years old, even though it feels like just yesterday I was 20. I have read most of your books. I am trying to write something smart, so you'll notice me, but it has taken an hour to write this much. My thoughts fly at 300 miles an hour, while my hands go so slow I put down my work and erase, over and over. My wanting to run from suffering is what gives me more suffering. How can I stop? Am I dreaming this life? How can I bring joy to my life? Simple questions, because in the day to day we forget. I need me to help me from feeling totally lost at this time.

— Luisa F., Salt Lake City, Utah
Dear Luisa,
Between the lines of your letter, one reads enormous confusion and distress. The issue isn't necessarily whether to run from suffering or not. Difficult situations fall into three categories: things we can fix, things we have to put up with and things we should walk away from. The ability to tell which is which doesn't come automatically. When your mind is racing with anxiety and you don't know how to make even basic decisions, suffering mounts on suffering. Seeing a way out becomes all but impossible when your energy is completely taken up with simply coping.

To find a way out, you first need to find some mental stability. At this point, you shouldn't focus on clinging to a few scraps of happiness, obsessively analyzing your predicament, running from one helper to another, escaping into fantasy, suffering in silence, wrestling with yourself or being in a state of constant complaint and worry. I'm not saying you are doing all of these things, but I have no doubt that at least a few apply. Please realize these are futile tactics. They are getting you not one inch closer to a solution. By an irony of the mind, we all do more of what never worked in the first place. I know how that works, and I'd like to see you get off the merry-go-round whirling in your mind.

It's time for a realistic game plan. Sit down with a piece of paper and give it the title "Mental Stability" or "Calming My Mind." Itemize 10 steps you could take to become less anxious, restless and worried. Once you've made your list, choose the top three things and actually follow them up. Your list of remedies might include the following:

• Learn to meditate
• Reduce everyday stress
• Avoid negative situations and people
• Find an enjoyable, positive outlet
• Open up to a friend whom you trust
• Ask for comfort from a pastor or a mature, compassionate friend
• Set down a cherished goal with steps for reaching it
• Organize your finances and live within a budget
• Heal old emotional wounds
• Clean and straighten up the house; make your work environment orderly

These are familiar steps to readers of this column, but if you take them seriously and act upon them, you will begin to regain your balance and feel more secure within yourself. Without control over your own life, the result will be inner confusion and distress. Make sure, before anything else, that you feel safe and protected and have trust in the people closest to you. When writing down your list, be specific. You need to know exactly what steps you plan to take and who you are going to approach for help, kindness and guidance. Your mind may be a present source of distress, but it is also your source of healing.

Love,
Deepak

Read more: http://www.oprah.com/spirit/How-to-Stop-Feeling-Lost-Ask-Deepak#ixzz2HNvGfh00

So, here it goes:

"Mental Stability" or "Calming My Mind."
10 steps to help me become less anxious, restless and worried
1) Keep walking....as much as possible, keep in the great outdoors
2) Focus on my children, loving them and being loved by them
3) Read...books on healing, but also read aloud to the kids
4) Work...everyday, hard and with a productive outcome.
5) Set a daily parenting, work and exercise goal and stick to it.
6) Remember my creativity. Find a long term project to engage the creative side of my mind.
7) Be alone. Be with myself. Enjoy my own company.
8) No drinking. It isn't like I drink all that much, but it costs money and is a depressant, so why do it?
9) Practice meditating during walks on letting go the unhealthy.
10) Clean up my environment.
11) Practice preemptively saying NOW instead of later or in a little while.
12) Delay gratifaction. I have always been instant gratification girl and this does not serve me. I make snap decisions and get myself into situations that are not well thought out.

The top ones I can do RIGHT now to help improve my mind are #1, #2, #7 and #8.

Love is a Strange Game

Source: kayskatour.com via Mobile on Pinterest

So, in an effort to clear my mind and start the new year afresh, I need to blog about something that happened to me last year. Perhaps it's my diehard optimism and hope which never dies, or maybe it's my watching of Downton Abbey's romantic wedding episode that has me all stirred up. Whatever the reason, I am moved to write this down today.

"As long as you walk the earth, I could never be happy with anyone else." This is what Matthew says to his dear Mary. This is a sentiment we are not all lucky to have been able to experience in our lives. It's definitely amazing to meet someone with whom you connect Matthew-Mary style. Someone who takes your breath away the minute you meet them. Someone with whom you immediately can imagine growing old. And, even if it doesn't work out with this person, if you are an optimist like me, you always dream it will. You always believe in the truth of the feeling, the click. And you pine for it.

Then, at some point, you realize that you need to let it go. You must leave it. If you do not, you will be stuck in a sort of purgatory, forever.

What do you do? How do you do it? In the words of the immortal Beegees, how can you mend a broken heart?

Well, first off, it helps to acknowledge that it's just a feeling. It's a feeling that you can live without. It also helps to tell yourself that if it's meant to be, it still might. As long as that doesn't leave you pining. If it makes you pine to think there's still a chance, then make sure you imagine there is none. No chance. Nada. Zilch. Done.com. Donezarilla. Kaput. (think I've tried this approach?)

You might even come to question if it was an obssession, rather than a love. Then, you might pick up a book or two on obssessive love and scare yourself. But then you also might read M. Scott Peck's  "The Road Less Traveled" and realize that what happened, what really, truly happened was that you fell in "infatuation." The relationship stalled there, in the honeymoon phase. It was, therefore, idealized because it was just that: ideal...it was all pink clouds and unicorns. It was the stuff of myths.

It was not real. It didn't get to become real. It was preemptively stopped from maturing into a grown-up love. It stays there on the pages of your life, a sighing teenager...an irrepressible crush...hopefully waiting for a future grown-up love to come along and make it feel inferior in comparison.

So, I turn the page. I move on. I leave the sighing, mooning teen behind, embarassed that it even came to that. To believe there is no hope is the only way. There cannot be. There must not be. If hope still exists, that stupid pining will continue and it cannot. Not this year.