Wednesday, October 02, 2013

Thank God for Mich Zeman....

It's interesting. Once, a long, long time ago in a city not so far away, I went to therapy. I had the most gifted therapist and he helped me to learn an awful lot of truths about me and the world and interpersonal relationships, etc. He taught me that in order for a relationship to continue, you need to make choices at the pivot points (or points of change) to change in ways that don't separate you. These points of change come routinely. We are like snakes shedding their skins. If we don't make choices that consider our partners, we might just drift apart.

He taught about "outsourcing" in a marriage. He said that so many marriages and relationships get bogged down in the mire of everyday chores. He pointed out that if something is important to one or both parties, but neither feels inspired or able to accomplish it, they should consider outsourcing it. He said, for example, getting a cleaning lady to remove the battlefield of keeping a clean house, can be a brilliant solution.

He taught me about codependency. Not to avoid it like the plague, but to embrace that relationships, by their very nature, are codependent. What good is a relationship when you do not need each other for anything? To depend on your partner for some things and augment each others' strengths, sets up a solid and strong union.

He helped me find my primary motivation in life: engagement. He even gave me that word specifically to describe it. He helped me come to realize that in order to feel fulfilled and happy, one has to know what makes them fulfilled and happy. How he was so brilliant to point out that "engagement" was my thing, I will never know.

I have spent much time on couches since then, but none have helped me even a fraction of the amount that his chintz covered, comfortable couch in Rowayton did! There were the therapists I could easily out think and manipulate (certainly not intentionally, but as a defense mechanism or to avoid discomforting self-analysis). There were counselors who were adequate at providing a forum for whining and release of emotions. There were those who frankly just weren't smart enough or quirky enough to "get" me. And, of course, there were my least favorite kinds of workers who relied on paper tools such as worksheets, list building and homework assignments. 

So, today, I thank God for Mich Zeman and for having a therapist like him. The conversations we had, the tears I shed and the frustrations I voiced are still, to this day serving me.

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