Aces High

High or low, with aces in some games, you get to choose. Why did I get blessed with a self-esteem that plays by this same rule? In a way, I have high self-esteem. I believe I am smart, creative, capable, not ugly, and have a very engaging personality. On the other hand, I have issues with acceptance. I feel like the world doesn't like me, want me, or care about me the way I passionately care about it and it's people. I am wondering how a person can really feel that they are an amazing, beautiful person, but still feel super inferior and insecure while surrounded by their peers (or in other situations)? Why is this self-esteem so capricious for me?

I believe myself to be a pretty good person most of the time. By certain angles, I'm pretty. (I know because I take selfies all the live long day). In some arenas and pursuits, I excel. I have a great brain and ability to think divergently. I am really tops in business. I am extrovertedly gifted, but socially awkward...which just means I am always really out there with my awkwardness (it sure would have been less damaging to be an awkward introvert). Or maybe I just can't read people all that well or they misread me all my life?

Maybe it's just a function of the "Stage Front Theory of Self" I wrote so long ago. Which is basically about the fact that we see the back sides of our stagefronts, while everyone else looks in from the audience. It's impossible, then, to truly know how we are perceived and even harder to unperceive the experience of knowing all the secrets backstage.

Is it related to just plain being weird? In other words, when you don't fit in ALL YOUR LIFE due to being eccentric, does it make a person just constantly question themselves? Maybe I am confusing "confidence" with "esteem?" Recently, a friend told me she isn't like all the other reindeer...Man oh man can I relate to that sentiment.