If It's a Question of Commitment

I have a simple question, which I assure you does not have a simple answer.

Which is scarier, being afraid to commit to a relationship or being scared you will never be in a committed relationship?

I flip-flop between the two fears. Fear of being improperly committed...or just tied down and no longer independent, and fear of being alone forever. I love the feeling of sleeping next to someone, just feet touching, but when arms and hot body surround me, I get clausterphobic. When I am alone with my own thoughts and lonely in my house for too long, I long for companionship. Am I relegated to forever be trapped running towards or away from one of these circumstances.

In a related question, which is finer act of bravery, commiting to a relationship, even though you are scared to death and feel truly unable to carry through long-term on the commitment or avoiding commitment, even though a part of you longs for it, because you are afraid in the end you won't be able to hack it?

And Today's Feel Good Moment...Changed for Good

Brought to you by this article:
http://www.broadwayworld.com/article/In-Her-Own-Words-Sarah-Horn-Shares-Inspirational-Story-of-Singing-with-Kristin-Chenoweth-at-the-Hollywood-Bowl-and-Going-Viral-20130825
And this video:
http://youtu.be/FpXm_sXcc_Y
And the lyrics of this song that are intrinsically FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC:
I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you...
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made from what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
(Glinda):
Because I knew you
(Both):
I have been changed for good
(Elphaba):
And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for
(Glinda):
But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share
(Both):
And none of it seems to matter anymore
(Glinda):
Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
(Elphaba):
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood
(Both):
Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better
(Glinda):
And because I knew you...
(Elphaba):
Because I knew you...
(Both):
Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good...

Read more: Wicked - For Good Lyrics | MetroLyrics

The Rubber Band Theory of Porcupine Warmth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_qhdPflUb8&feature=share&list=PL0511CDD7379488C0

Ted talks. They are a great way of having ah-ha moments. Today's about porcupines as an analogy of people successfully navigating the playing field of love got me thinking. A long time ago I read the Mars/Venus book. It was odd since, at the time, I was a Mars woman with a Venus man. My man at the time acted much more like the needy woman and I needed to go into my Martian cave all the time. I have since been in relationships which were flipped the other way. So, although I believe the Mars/Venus relationship exists, I don't believe it can be tied to specific genders consistently (which, on a side note, is what I believe about almost every gender stereotype, but I digress). The ONE thing that Mars/Venus had BANG ON was the rubber band theory of courtship (I paraphrase).

It went something like this:
If you imagine that two partners are connected by a rubber band which must always be kept at a certain tautness to stay together, you realize that when one partner moves in, the other will retreat to keep the band at a comfortable tightness. If one partner pulls away dramatically, the other will chase, again to stop the pinch of the band which is stretched almost to breaking. (Again, hope John Grey doesn't mind my paraphrasing).

This video proposes the exact same concept, but with a different analogy: porcupines. Watch towards the end to hear her lovely depiction, but in Kiki Cliff Notes it is this: when two porcupines are out in a cold, cold winter and they need each other's warmth, they must get close to each other. When they do that, they get closer and closer until they are getting pricked. Then, they retreat. Then, they get cold and need each other's warmth again. Then the huddle together again, until it's uncomfortable because they get too close...Porcupines as an analogy for love, who knew?

Ego, Pride and Narcissism...oh my

"Except in the sense of primary narcissism or healthy self-love, narcissism is usually considered a problem in a person or group's relationships with self and others. Narcissism is not the same as egocentrism."

I am trying to understand the different between narcissism and egotism. No matter, why I am trying to do this (hmmmm). Let's just say, I am intrigued by healthy vs. unhealthy self-love. I am interested in knowing where self-love falls off the edge and becomes unhealthy.

Some interesting facts I uncovered in my research are that Narcissus, the man every one knows as "in love with his own image" was actually in love with his reflection, but he did not know it to be his own image. He didn't realize he was in love with himself because his concept of reality was so skewed, he was unable to understand that he was only able to obsessively love the object that was actually himself, instead of others. This set up a house of cards for the poor guy. Everyone around him was a projection of himself. Everything he saw or experienced as reality was constructed to keep his own fragile self from pulling back the curtain.

An unhealthy condition, the narcissist is unable to love anyone but his or herself. There reality is as faltering as a reflection in a pool.

An egotist is about self-promotion and being a celebrity in their own life. They are unable to acknowledge and empathize with others' thoughts and needs. "Looked at differently, the conceit of egotism describes a person who acts to gain values in an amount excessively greater than that which he or she gives to others."

After a lot of reading and studying this morning, I've come to the conclusion that the Narcissist lives in a self-reflective reality whereby he or she can only see things that are bounced off his or her own self. An Egotist lives in a bold world colored brightly by his or her self in it. I think of the Narcissist as viewing the as an extension of themselves and the Egotist viewing the world as a play where they are at the center and the star character. Both struggle wholly and completely with putting themselves in someone else's shoes.

As a final note, I think I am overly concerned with issues of self, but I am neither a Narcissist or an Egotist...well, anymore than the next guy.

As Ann Landers once remarked, "At age 20, we worry about what others think of us. At 40, we don't care what they think of us. At 60, we discover they haven't been thinking of us at all." - Source: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fulfillment-any-age/201204/it-s-fine-line-between-narcissism-and-egocentrism

Period.

I am trying to figure out how to write this blog in a nebulous enough way that I don't come off looking like a sappy sixteen year old, but chances are I will fail at that objective. So, don't judge.

For a year, I have been struggling with the ending of a relationship which should NOT be so important to me and command such a large piece of  my heart. I ask myself why so frequently, I grow impatient and even I tell myself to shut up.

So, my first theory was this. When a relationship is cut off at the knees in the infatuation period, it is much, much harder to let go. Especially if that "cut" is made by one person and not the other. The continual marinating in the past can be headed off by making a clean break, stopping all contact, defriending, etc. But so often, when a relationship ends unexpectedly in the infatuation period, there is no anger, no "bad times" to justify the end. So, out of this conundrum comes an almost obsessive pining and rehashing of the relationship. Yeah, that's familiar. But, somehow ALL relationships that end during the infatuation period don't do this to a person (um, me). So, why some?

I've decided that sometimes this is because those relatioships that stick in our craws, hang on for dear life like a toddler clinging to its mother's leg and dragging across the slippery kitchen floor. Yeah, those relationships are different. I have a thought about those unique ones. Maybe this thought comes from my hopeless romantic cockeyed optimistic mind, or maybe it's a universal truth. Can't call it. You be the judge.

Maybe, just maybe, those relationships that seem deeper and more connective than any others but still don't progress are right person, wrong time relationships. I like this theory. It give me hope and makes me smile. I certainly like it better than the wrong person, right time ones. Those ones REALLY suck to get out of.

Tis a Gift to be Simple

This is a reflection of me in a piece of art taken at the flea market.
I call it "Me with Complexities"

All thinking with me, leads to more thinking, which leads to getting lost in thought. I want to know an answer to a simple questions.

Why is it that some people spend so much time inside their heads, thinking, re-thinking and over-thinking every little dusty corner of their soul?

Why is it that some people relate on this level and others cannot?

Why do some people seem so uncomplicated while others completely lost in their mental labyrinths?

I want to untangle my brain. Some days, I just want to spill all the mismatched puzzle pieces on a table and organize them. Put them together so they make sense. This piece by piece analysis is difficult. Who can ever see the big picture?

I swear there are people who see the world much more simply than I do and to those people I raise a toast, "Tis a gift to be simple, tis a gift to be free."