Once, a long time ago, my mother was sitting with her group of close women friends. They were all musing about what made them sure that they would marry their husbands. The group seemed split in two. Half thought that their husband would make a great father, best friend and long-term partner. This half was highly practical in their choices. They chose based on their head and gut more than their heart. This is not to say that they had any less success in their marriages, but they weren't driven to marry due to passion.
The other half of the group WAS driven by exactly that, passion. They didn't really know if their choice was the smartest, or most harmonious, all they knew is they couldn't live without being close to this person. Kissing that person, and feeling the fire of passion that burned inside them, was the sole reason they just "knew" it was right. This group was led by their hearts and, um, other parts.
So, between the two types, which are you? Which are you inclined towards? Do you buy this theory? Are their other options I'm missing?
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5 comments:
Hope you don't mind that I post here - I got your info from Jeni. But to answer your inquiry - I plead the 5th.
My husband is not my best friend by any means and I was clearly not practical in my choice of him.
I was horny and he didn't use a condom ;-)
You can check out my journal here it is www.livejournal.com/users/stdogz
I think that every relationship is completely unique and that what you see and what people say is different then what really happens when they close their front door.
One thing I heard a long time ago: a couple was married for 50 years and was asked the secret to their success: He replied we never fell out of love at the same time. Interesting.
I love my husband, he is my best friend, I find him very very attractive and sometimes he annoyes the sh#t out of me. I know I can count on him if something happens no matter what. I do things I don't necessarily like but it makes me happy to know he is happy. And I know he does the same for me. This is not a 50/50 relationship. Sometimes is 90/10 sometimes it 60/40, 30/70, sometimes I just have to be the 'hero' of the realtionship and make the problem end/stop by not being right. Sometimes he does it. Although that is rare - he is always right - he tells me.
It is work to have a good realtionship. It takes time and planning and focus in my opinion. And that is hard to do with work, kids and life in your way.
I'll answer quickly first: passion for me. I've thought about this quite a bit lately, actually, because I have a good friend at work who seems to spend all his time on Match.com, then dating the various women, then rehashing and analyzing the dates, etc. I always find this perplexing, because I can't imagine falling in love with the person I'm meant to be with for life based on a list of bullet points of ways we're similar. For me, it truly was love at first sight (then stalking until we met - heh heh).
That all said, I could just be talking about the difference between dating/falling in love/marrying in your 20s vs 30s. I see 20s as more impetuous - much more likely to throw yourself into the passion and commit to someone, for better or worse (I didn't once measure pros/cons!). The 30s, then, are much more measured, reflective, thinking seriously about qualities that will make the best partner. I would imagine the same would be true for the 40s, but more so - with a lot more self-knowledge.
Just my thoughts!
Hmmm...my heart. Not that my head had any objections. :)
I got married and 23, and I think i used my head.... My dh is responsible and loving and I can truly say he's my best friend. But I still got freaked out because it seemed like such an enormous choice to make. I mean, there's no way you can anticipate all possible scenarios, so even if you're making a "practical" choice you're still closing your eyes and leaping.
Kind of like choosing to have a second baby, now that I think of it....
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