The Soundtrack of my Life

Does anyone else have little songs that play in their head for certain functions they perform? Let me explain... Every time I shower, the Monchichi theme song plays perseverantly in my head. When I am walking, I often sing "I'm walkin'...yes indeed and I'm talkin' bout you and me..." There are also a few little ditties that have no lyrics...I hesitate to call them "orchestral," but that is the closest I can come to the nature of these particular movements. Anyone else this weird?

Snow Day People

Want to know what is desperate?

A work-from-home breadwinner trying to work. The skeleton crew of this family today...Working. Solely.

I sit at my desk, looking out my ever coated window, and try to work; I struggle to keep my head afloat...above the smothering, fluffy, happy snow and the sounds of snow-day people all around me...sledding in the drive and blasting fun music on the hi-fi. TV watching children whose lives are on pause while I sit and dial the phone one more time and send one more email and field one more conference call. Praying the dog doesn't bark or the kid come romping in on a happy snow-day high.

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Keep it down now.
Momma's working.
And these are the days that working from home is not so desirable.

And the Stingy Old Grinch's Heart Grew TWO Sizes that Day!

There are good, good people with whom we share this big blue marble.
Thank God for them and you, too!
That
Is
All

How can we sleep while our beds are burning? #burniture

The rite of Burniture burning!

So, I thought I would take a moment to introduce you to a really fun and exciting new trend...started by my boyfriend Aaron and named by me. Aaron has always been offbeat and quirky in the best way possible. When I met him last year, for example, he encouraged me to bring an old dresser I had kicking around over for "burning in a bonfire." I didn't quite understand. I assumed he wanted to take a hatchet to it and use it as wood for the fire. No, that would be a bit too conventional for him. For Aaron, burning furniture holds a much more sacred allure. It's a ritual. A sacrificial rite.

It was the second fire in as many weeks when I asked Aaron if he needed me to bring him any "burniture" for that evening's festivities. Thus was born a fantastic new name for a fantastic new trend...originating here in the crux of Connecticut's redneck zone. Look at how fun it is! Hashtag it on FB and Twitter and Instagram.

So someday, when Hipsters are eating their ramps and drinking their PBR by their burniture parties, remember folks, you heard it here first.

Get Real on the Internet Week...I'm Real on the Internet!

 We walked out the door. We decided to go for a noon hike. Mia (the little yellow dog), Bear (the big, poorly shorn dog), my friend Christine and I headed out the door of my little cottage. No sooner than we had walked across the yard we saw something like this coming:

Ruh roh, I knew what this meant. I knew someday, I would check "Street View" and be able to circumnaviagate a cyber image of me. Well that day has come...and here I am...I am trapped in the wide world Web. For at least the next little while, I know I exist because I can Google my address and see me there, frozen like a mosquito in amber.

And Another Thing...

So, common apocrypha would have us believe it takes 21 days to form a new habit. However, I just read an article that suggested for complex tasks, it's really more like 50 days...and can take the better part of a year. How long do we think it will take a person to forget a person? I'll explain...

A year and a half ago, I met a man through a dating site (this truly was beginners luck, because I have been back to that dating site well many times with nothing close to these kinds of results). Anyhow, we had a first date that I characterized on a scale of 1-10 as a 10. We dated for a couple of months, but he was not looking for commitment, turns out. So, we stayed friends and talked on and off everyday for a long time. He dated others, I dated others, but we remained friends. He got me. I got him. I was let inside his fears and insecurities and I revealed mine. We acted as therapists, life coaches and advisers to each other.

We were lovers at times. We truly loved. I fell in love over and over again, but was it the dream? Was I in love with the idea that I had created on our first date of what we would be? I believed I had met my match in intelligence, humor, quirkiness and extreme outdoorsy-ness. I was a pioneer who had met her homesteading partner. My strengths and his strengths were similar, but different enough to be complementary (PS: I just spent five minutes contemplating if this was the right "complement/pliment" to be using here).

I found this Anais Nin quote to ring true. I thought I got to know the human being with the flaws. I thought I loved him. As it turns out, I might have not ever even have known him. I might have always been in love with the dream. And now, I find myself at the beginning of a new year ready to let die this old habit. Let go of the myth. Let go of the dream. Let go. Letting go......

New Year...Resolute...

resolute - firm in purpose or belief; characterized by firmness and determination; "stood resolute against the enemy"; "faced with a resolute opposition"; "a resolute and unshakeable faith"

I am trying to get back to blogging. Writing is such a centering activity for me and I need centering. I don't like resolutions. I don't like setting myself up for failure. And, when it comes to exacting willpower in my life, I fail way more often than succeed. So instead of a specific resolution, I am vowing this new year to be resolute.

Resolute in my faith.
Resolute in making healthy choices.
Resolute in stopping unhealthy activities.
Resolute in being a better parent. 

In 2013, I enabled myself. I put on weight. I drank and ate too much. I allowed myself to dwell in a world of anxiety and distress. I got all hung up on a silly bunch of notions that I couldn't shake. JUST.COULD.NOT.SHAKE. I don't know that I will do any better this year, but I am resolute to try.

The Power of Nope

There is optimism. The world of optimism is where I choose to live my life most of the time. Sometimes, my optimism is a bit hard to conjure up. On those days, I live in the twin world of noptimism. Pronouce is like "NOPE-TI-MISM" and you will completely understand what I am getting at. My happy, uplifting, grateful feelings are suddenly shot down by an inner voice of NOPE.

Today is going to be a great day...NOPE!
I am truly blessed...NOPE!
I am worthy of good friends and love...NOPE!
I will do this well...NOPE!

Please go away power of detention. Polyanna called, she wants her
rosy glasses back.

Survival of the Fittest, Hoarders and the Apocalypse

So, those who know me well, or even remotely, will know that I often quip, "Well, when the apocalypse comes, you'll be grateful for....[fill in the blank]" It's often filled in with something like "a plethora of fire arms," "extra knives," or even just "food bank food that you haven't eaten yet." The point of the statement is to say that some things seem of extra value when you imagine being lucky enough to be in possession of them during a time of nationwide scarcity.

One of the more recent times I recall using this statement was when I was at my ex-in-laws, searching for a bag of summer clothes we had left there for storage through the winter. Every time Scott tissue goes on sale, the mother-in-law must buy the "max per shopper" amount, because she currently has over 560 rolls of toilet paper in her basement. I poo-pooed this stocking up (pun definitely intended) until I thought about what a hook-up she would be during a world war or natural disaster. Dude, we use that toilet paper for some SERIOUS barter in a collapsed economy. Bring it on! (ok, maybe not "bring it on," I might have gotten a little carried away).

But in all veracity. Think about it. During a catastrophic event, where there are no longer stores at which to shop or a currency that holds any value, hoarders and pack rats have it made. The people who lived sparingly, always donating their skinny clothes are going to be S.O.L. when there is nothing to eat and skinny clothes are needed again. So, while I do not encourage hoarding and extreme couponing...perhaps there is a reason both are kind of in an up trend right now.

So the next time you figure that the 50-roll Costco pack of toilet paper is too much...

Life as a Good Read

This morning I had a little conversation with Elena about the book she is reading. She's on page 240. This was her proud proclamation. It got me thinking. How in reading, we slowly and ploddingly make our way through a good book. There is usually no rushing, nor obsessively reading the same page over and over and over again. We don't generally re-read the book until we have finished it. We don't continually restart a chapter, or go back to page one. We don't skip entire chunks of the book. And, most importantly, we do not give up if we don't like the pain or success the character is undergoing in any one section. We keep reading...page by page...day by day...bit by bit.

That is how the story unfolds. This is how our life unfolds...page by page...day by day...bit by bit. This is how the story is meant to be told.

If we believe in Him, we can imagine God as the author of this book, our book, the book of our lives. He knows where the story is heading. He knows that the death of a major character leaving us reeling is only making room for a new, and potentially better, one to enter the setting. He knows that the two lovers who meet in the beginning of the book, at the complete wrong time will meet again at the right time in the end. Faith is required of the author of the book. We must have faith that there will be a satisfactory end. We must believe that all things, good and bad, revealed page by page are part of the whole. All are needed for the story.

I've Never Been Much of a Touch Person

My mom said that even as an infant, I shrugged from her touch and arched to be out of her arms and into the world on my own. My daughter is exactly the same way, despite the fact that she gives the best hugs, she moans and groans and complains about it. To the day, the only way to get her to hug me is to catch her unawares and just go for it. Apologize later I always say. But from the moment my arms encircle her, I can feel her softening. Her pull away lessens as she succombs to that which we all need...love, touch, reassurance that we are soft and loveable.

So, when I watched this video today, it made me think.

 What I take from this: how amazing that spending five minutes touching can change your inner most feelings about a stranger...Touch is magic...and it just goes to show, that basic, reptilian brain responds immediately to touch.
NOT words. 
Or logic.
Or reason.
Or gameplaying. 
Or etiquette.
 It's all about touch and experience and that is the world in which our hearts live.

OK...This Here, THIS is Getting to the Meat of It

My gnawing hole theory, with much better advice as to how to fill it.

Makes me think of the Beatles song, "I'm fixing a hole where the rains gets in and starts my mind to wandering...."

And, oh yeah, selfies are not self-love...not even close.

The Real Cause of Inner Emptiness (And What to Do About It)

Posted: 06/02/11 09:16 AM ET

Do you often feel empty inside? Do you believe that others should be filling you up? Discover the real cause of inner emptiness and what to do about it.
If you feel empty, you are not alone in feeling this way.
Many people feel empty inside, and most people who feel empty have some deep, false beliefs regarding why they feel empty. Below are some of these false beliefs.
I feel empty because:

• My partner is not giving me enough love and attention.
• I don't have a partner.
• I'm bored because my partner doesn't provide me with enough stimulation.
• My work is unsatisfying.
• I'm not successful enough.
• I don't have enough money.
• I have no one to play with on weekends.
• Nothing excites me. Life is boring.
• I don't get enough love, attention and approval from friends and relatives.
• I don't get enough sex.

None of these situations is a real cause of inner emptiness.
What do you usually do to try to fill the inner emptiness? Do you try to fill up with:

• Substances, such as food, sugar, alcohol, drugs or cigarettes?
• Processes and activities, such as TV, Internet, sex, computer games, work, shopping, spending, gambling, telephone or email?
• Attempting to get others' attention or approval with niceness, caretaking, over-talking, story-telling, anger or blame?

There are many substances, processes, behaviors and activities that people use addictively to try to fill the emptiness. These may work for the moment, but not for long. Soon, the emptiness is back and you are looking for someone or something to temporarily fill up the black hole.
The problem with all these behaviors is that they only address the symptom of inner emptiness -- not the cause.
The Cause Of Inner Emptiness
There is only one thing that truly fills the emptiness. Love. There is only one cause of inner emptiness: a lack of love.
But it is not a lack of someone else's love that causes your emptiness. Inner emptiness is caused by self-abandonment -- by not loving yourself.
Inner emptiness comes from a lack of connection with your spiritual source of love -- from not opening to the love-that-is-God and bringing that love to yourself through true thought and loving action in your own behalf.

When you abandon yourself by judging yourself, ignoring your feelings by staying in your head, numbing your feelings through substance and process addictions and making others responsible for your feelings and for loving you, you will feel empty. You are causing your own emptiness by your self-abandonment.
Your ego-wounded self is filled with false beliefs regarding who you are. Your wounded self may see you as inadequate, unlovable, not good enough, not important, selfish, bad, wrong. Your wounded self operates from core shame -- that you are intrinsically flawed.
These are programmed beliefs that have no basis in truth, but they may be running your life. When you believe that you are not good enough, then you turn to others and to addictions to try to feel okay -- to fill the emptiness that you are causing with your self-judgment/self-abandonment.
Filling Your Inner Emptiness: Learning To Love Yourself
The truth of who you are comes only from your personal source of spiritual guidance -- whatever that is for you. When you open to learning with a source of higher guidance about the truth of who you are, and about what is loving action toward yourself and others, you open to the love-that-is-God coming into your heart and filling your inner emptiness.
This occurs when you shift your attention -- from protecting against pain and avoiding responsibility for your feelings through your addictive and controlling behaviors -- to learning, with your higher guidance, about what is loving to yourself and others.
Today, choose the intent to learn with your higher guidance about truth and about loving yourself -- even if you don't believe that anything is there to answer you -- and see what happens. You might start to feel full of love inside!

No Darkness at All

Today I am giving the children's message at church...here's what I have prepared.

1 John 1:5

5 This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in him there is no darkness at all.

Today, we are going to talk about what it means that God is light.

What is the biggest and most important light in our world? [the sun]

What do we get from the sun? [Hopefully responses include warmth, growth, light, energy, etc]

OK…all true…Now let’s try a little experiment revealing another property of light. Can I get a volunteer? 

[I then hold a flashlight and shine it on the volunteer’s back – if possible with a white wall behind the child to cast a shadow]

First I turn on the flashlight, tell them it is on and ask them if they can tell it’s on. – I make the point that God is always on…always shining on us, whether we know He is there or not. And in fact, just like the sun, he is stationary and reliable and predictable. But, we are given that light…for us, but we have to turn towards it to see it. 

Otherwise…

Then I point out the shadow (or if there is not one cast, I talk about the concept and describe that sometimes we cast a shadow). I ask the kids, When we turn away from the light and stare away from it, what do we see? A dark spot. A shadow. Darkness created by ourselves. 

Everyone has times in their lives when they all of a sudden realize they are not basking in the light…they are staring into a darkness that they created by turning from God. So, what things can we do to remember to face the light of God? 

I'd like to end with something I think is amazing. Helen Keller, who was both blind and deaf, still understood this concept of turning to the light...She couldn't even see and yet she penned this advice:

“Keep your face to the sun and you will never see the shadows.” 
― Helen Keller

Prayer: 

So, God that is all light. 

God that is THE only light. 

Like our sun, You nurture us. 

You give us the energy that keeps us alive. 

You keep our bodies, minds and spirits facing You and basking in Your beautiful light. 

You keep us out of the shadows and darkness, Lord. 

Help us to know that Your light is always there to show us the way. 

And, like Helen Keller, help us to know that Your light is there even when cannot see it. 

You are always there, shining on us, lighting our way.  

Amen

That Old Common Denominatrix

Tonight, I told someone to look at what the common denominator is in their life around certain charged issues and repeating patterns. Examples from my own life...Do I always choose

unavailable people and then flogs and keens over the fact that the people they have chosen are unavailable? Does a person continually blame people for being untrustworthy? Do certain kinds of tragedies tend to befall a person over and over again? I say ask yourself what the common denominator in all those events or interactions is? Or more importantly, WHO is the common denominator? (in this case the number 5)

Over and over again we seem to be dealt the same hand, given the same chess board, that reduces to the same challenging end. Over and over and over we are tried to be taught. Eventually, do we give our forehead a good old V-8 thump and realize it is us? WE are the reason some pattern keeps repeating. WE are the problem. But, you know what? WE are also the solution. Break out of the pattern. Figure out what the common denominator is and solve for it. Learn. Acknowledge. Calculate. Find the answer.

A How To...Related to this Morning's Blog

How to Build Self Esteem...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-squeaky-wheel/201306/does-self-esteem-function-emotional-immune-system

Aces High

High or low, with aces in some games, you get to choose. Why did I get blessed with a self-esteem that plays by this same rule? In a way, I have high self-esteem. I believe I am smart, creative, capable, not ugly, and have a very engaging personality. On the other hand, I have issues with acceptance. I feel like the world doesn't like me, want me, or care about me the way I passionately care about it and it's people. I am wondering how a person can really feel that they are an amazing, beautiful person, but still feel super inferior and insecure while surrounded by their peers (or in other situations)? Why is this self-esteem so capricious for me?

I believe myself to be a pretty good person most of the time. By certain angles, I'm pretty. (I know because I take selfies all the live long day). In some arenas and pursuits, I excel. I have a great brain and ability to think divergently. I am really tops in business. I am extrovertedly gifted, but socially awkward...which just means I am always really out there with my awkwardness (it sure would have been less damaging to be an awkward introvert). Or maybe I just can't read people all that well or they misread me all my life?

Maybe it's just a function of the "Stage Front Theory of Self" I wrote so long ago. Which is basically about the fact that we see the back sides of our stagefronts, while everyone else looks in from the audience. It's impossible, then, to truly know how we are perceived and even harder to unperceive the experience of knowing all the secrets backstage.

Is it related to just plain being weird? In other words, when you don't fit in ALL YOUR LIFE due to being eccentric, does it make a person just constantly question themselves? Maybe I am confusing "confidence" with "esteem?" Recently, a friend told me she isn't like all the other reindeer...Man oh man can I relate to that sentiment.

Guardrails

I was thinking, and wrote about in my last blog about the main motivator of my life: engagement. This got me to thinking about how I seek out engagement and connection almost as if with blinders on. There is a spot on the horizon at which I try to stare. That spot is a place of success, personal success for me. I am not even sure of what goals reside there anymore, but I know that place is one where I am connected with the world, where I am engaged in creative exploits and doing something to keep myself active and out in nature and the world. The analogy of driving along a road is helpful to me. If I imagine my life as a road and that I am in a car (or on a bike) traveling towards a destination, I can put in place some very helpful psychological devices related to that analogy. 

Along the road, there are icy patches and challenges: addictions, frustrations, depressive periods, bad choices, short-sighted impulsive actions and the like. This means the path is never, ever smooth. But I am learning and have found that if I focus on where I need to be heading, but not to the exclusion of where I am today, I am best off. I also have found that there are guardrails that keep me on track. Becoming aware of the pitfalls and oil slicks along the path, I have had to build guardrails to help keep the car on the road.

The guardrails that work for me are physical, real things that take me out of the mental derailing.
1) Hike everyday, so I stay in nature and in shape and truly see the world around me.
2) Church so as to remember to practice spirituality and realize that the "road" of my life is there for me to travel.
3) Give up vices and addictions...or at least rein them in. When they start to cause me to skid to the edges of the road, it's time for this guardrail to kick in and help stop the fishtailing.
4) Practice journaling and creative writing.
5) Get sleep.
6) Clean up my space - house, car, yard, etc.
7) Read.

What are the guard rails that help keep you on track? 

Thank God for Mich Zeman....

It's interesting. Once, a long, long time ago in a city not so far away, I went to therapy. I had the most gifted therapist and he helped me to learn an awful lot of truths about me and the world and interpersonal relationships, etc. He taught me that in order for a relationship to continue, you need to make choices at the pivot points (or points of change) to change in ways that don't separate you. These points of change come routinely. We are like snakes shedding their skins. If we don't make choices that consider our partners, we might just drift apart.

He taught about "outsourcing" in a marriage. He said that so many marriages and relationships get bogged down in the mire of everyday chores. He pointed out that if something is important to one or both parties, but neither feels inspired or able to accomplish it, they should consider outsourcing it. He said, for example, getting a cleaning lady to remove the battlefield of keeping a clean house, can be a brilliant solution.

He taught me about codependency. Not to avoid it like the plague, but to embrace that relationships, by their very nature, are codependent. What good is a relationship when you do not need each other for anything? To depend on your partner for some things and augment each others' strengths, sets up a solid and strong union.

He helped me find my primary motivation in life: engagement. He even gave me that word specifically to describe it. He helped me come to realize that in order to feel fulfilled and happy, one has to know what makes them fulfilled and happy. How he was so brilliant to point out that "engagement" was my thing, I will never know.

I have spent much time on couches since then, but none have helped me even a fraction of the amount that his chintz covered, comfortable couch in Rowayton did! There were the therapists I could easily out think and manipulate (certainly not intentionally, but as a defense mechanism or to avoid discomforting self-analysis). There were counselors who were adequate at providing a forum for whining and release of emotions. There were those who frankly just weren't smart enough or quirky enough to "get" me. And, of course, there were my least favorite kinds of workers who relied on paper tools such as worksheets, list building and homework assignments. 

So, today, I thank God for Mich Zeman and for having a therapist like him. The conversations we had, the tears I shed and the frustrations I voiced are still, to this day serving me.

More Questions than a Two-Year-Old

I find myself in a state of constant thinking and pondering. I seem to enjoy, more than any other pursuit, the unraveling of personalities and categorizing of them. Why does a person do what they do? Why are they aware (or disappointingly unaware) of what they do? How does the mind work? Lately, I have been seeing and observing with new eyes. The goal? To get as "out of my own head" as I can get. I want to know what it is like in someone else's shoes.

Recently, a friend asked me what my "superpower" would be, were I granted only one. I knee-jerkedly answered FLYING. I stand by that choice, but hers was MIND READING. I am completely on the fence as to whether or not I would like to be able to see inside others' minds. Although it is my source of greatest enjoyment and engagement, I don't think I would like having it all laid out in front of me. I think it would remove my grandest source of noodling. Plus, we've all seen that movie "What Women Want" where the cacophonous whinging of all the, in this case female, people in the room is overwhelmingly annoying.

Yup. I think I'll stick to flying.

Drama on the Mountain

I have started a novel. It's historical fiction. It's based on the last year up here on the Mountain. This place is like a fly strip for drama. I haven't figured out why, but that does not stop me from asking the questions. Is it the people who live up here? Some supernatural effect? The work of the devil? Me?

Well, whatever the reason, it is definitely providing some wonderful fodder for a book. If the only thing harvested on this farm on the Mountain is quirky, colorful characters and hearty story lines, I will not be disappointed!

Off With Her Head

For a long time, I had been wondering what the coitus ritual of the praying mantis is...Ironically, a friend posted some praying mantis sex pics on Facebook yesterday and another friend told me that the praying mantis is her totem creature. Here is the skinny on their sexual behavior:

Rumors of the praying mantis' cannibalistic tendencies began when scientists observed their mating behavior in a laboratory environment. Entomologists would offer a captive female a potential mate, and would quite often be horrified to watch the female bite the head or legs off the smaller male. After the male had served his copulatory purpose, he was nothing more than a good meal to the female. For a long time, these observations of praying mantis sex in the lab were thought to be the way things were in the mantid world.

Once scientists started observing praying mantis sex in a natural setting, the story had a different ending, which is good for the males. When unconfined in laboratory terrariums, the majority of praying mantis mating ends with the male flying off, unharmed. By most estimates, sexual cannibalism by praying mantis females occurs less than 30% of the time outside the lab. Those are pretty good odds for the fellows. Praying mantis sex, it turns out, is really a rather romantic series of courtship rituals that typically ends satisfactorily and safely for both parties involved.
There is a decided advantage for the female, however, if she does decide to behead her lover. The praying mantis brain, located in his head, controls inhibition, while a ganglion in the abdomen controls the motions of copulation. Absent his head, a male praying mantis will lose all his inhibitions and consummate his relationship with wild abandon.

And what if she's hungry? For certain, a slow moving and deliberate predator like the praying mantis is not going to pass up an easy meal. If a male makes the unfortunate choice of a hungry female for a mate, he's probably going to be toast once they've mated.

Damned in the Present, Damned in the Future

Present self vs Future self TED Talk.

New York Times article on the same
 It's about the battle between the two-headed beast inside us.
The present self. "I want an oompa loompa, Daddy, and I want it now."
The future self. "I may not have considered all the costs and annoyances associated with having an oompa loompa."

I am not interested in the second half of the talk on the "financial" relationship between our present and future selves, but instead it's the concept of commitment devices (to keep ourselves in check) and the misestimation of our future selves (that we will do better than our present) that intrigues me. I definitely fall into a category of impulsivity which disregards my future self completely. I am also quite good at manipulating my best intentions and breaking, getting around, or breaking my commitments.

I can really relate to this sentiment, postulated in the NYT's article:

Ignoring the needs of our future self is one way we create problems for our present self. Another way is by dumping all the issues we don’t want to deal with now on the mythical future self who’s somehow going to be more patient, more organized, more restrained — more everything we’re not now .

“It’s hard to imagine that we’re going to be under the same stress” when we’re older, Dr. McGonigal said. “It seems like we will have more time and energy and we can let the future person deal with what we can’t deal with now.”

And that gives an excuse to procrastinate. In my case, I’ve been putting off eating better for some future time when somehow I’ll want to eat bulgur wheat rather than chocolate cake.

 Let me eat cake, I say. 

What am I doing? I love what I'm doing!

When Elena was about three, she uttered this great little gem. It just floated to the top of my conscious mind and then wedged there for awhile on repeat. It occurs to me that it not only is good report of what Elena was doing at that time - she was dancing "Lord of the Dance" style in the kitchen - it also is an amazingly insightful prescription for life.

What am I doing?
It's a good idea to ask frequently what one is doing. It's an interesting question. It encourages introspection and furthers self-understanding. What AM I DOING? Accent on the AM or the DOING, not the I. A lot of times we focus too intently on the "I" and what the "I" tells us. Rationalizations, justifications, white lies to our self are prevalent. Look objectively at the "AM." The AM just looks at the DOING, the action occurring, non-judgementally and objectively.

I love what I'm doing!
This is self-love at its most perfect. After objectively noticing the action, then accept it. Hug it! Love it! It's part of you. With the innocent optimism and unjaded mind, love what you are doing at any given moment. If it's a good and healthy thing, loving it is easy. If it's a broken, obsessive, addictive, harmful action, love yourself in spite of it. Embrace it and realize it is good because it is still part of you and part of what is making you.

I think those of us who can REALLY look at what we're doing and REALLY love what we're doing...even if it is not ideal, can reach a place of peace and acceptance. And who knows, by asking "What AM I doing?" more often, perhaps we will more and more often truly love what we are doing.

Take the Thick with the Thin

As my children play outside and I am practicing my sometimes "Lord of the Flies" parenting approach, I think about what they will say in their (inevitable) future therapy sessions. I wonder what kind of label I will get from the psych---- with whom they are conversing. Usually when I think about my parenting, I revel in the high moments: the hikes, the frog hunting, the cooking together, painting, walking, learning about the world by doing...but these will most likely not be the themes explored in their therapy. No. Their therapy will focus on my shortcomings, of which there are many.

They will talk about how I was "hands-off" in my parenting. They will forget that this gave them independence and a sense that they were trusted and expected to make strong decisions, and the will focus on abandonment.

They will say I was critical of them. That I made them change their outfits that blaringly didn't match. They will not know that this was more a criticism and distrust of mean gradeschool kids.

They may say I kicked them outside when I didn't want them bugging me. What they won't remember is that I kicked them outside when their energy levels were imploding and they were on hour two of couch wrestling and it was apparent they needed to let outside to run like puppies.

They may say I forced playdates on them when they just wanted to sit around and watch TV. They will not know how deeply I feared them not having a best friend relationship and how much I longed for that for them. So much that I invited every potential opportunity to meet kids their own age up to our house. Maybe this one will become her bestie? Maybe this one can match his energy levels?

They'll claim I dragged them to church. The flea market. Concerts in parks. Friends' houses. Parties. Hikes. Parks. But all these things were meant to teach through experience and help them learn by doing and interacting and engaging with the world.

They may say I was always buried in my world of work, computer, iPhone and the like. And they will probably be right. I do take my "me" time and I do keep my own interests. For I believe that a parent has to "put his or her own oxygen mask on prior to being able to help anyone else."

They may remember me taking selfies all the time. I struggle to turn this one into a positive...but maybe, just maybe they will come to believe that their mother loved herself and photography. When there were no subjects around, she would use herself...or her kids...which is another thing they may disdain. There was often a camera lens, or iPhone peering into their souls trying to capture that which the momma sees in them and loves in them. I really hope they will see that I just wanted to collect and save every sweet moment with them.